And, this evening, it's Kevin Rudd?
Sort of. He is the new leader of the parliamentary Australian Labor Party and Julia Gillard has resigned the Prime Ministership in his favour, but he is only the Prime Minister designate at the moment.
So might he not be in the morning?
Eh, there are some complicated constitutional thingies that could see that happen, but they're not likely to take place, so I can't be arsed looking them up to make sure I get them right. He probably will be.
And this is the same Prime Minister you Aussies elected in 2007?
I'm only a part-Aussie, don't blame me! But yes.
And deposed in 2010?
Oh, that wasn't us, that was the ALP, his party, who turned on him because he had terrible polling figures and installed Gillard.
And now they've turned on Gillard and re-installed Rudd?
Because Gillard had even worse polling figures than Rudd had in 2010.
Not because parliament and the mainstream media are a pack of sexist twats who couldn't stand being governed by a woman?
Well, a bit … but also because Gillard is a frustrating politician who is actually very very good at driving policy and designing legislation and building the coalitions to get it through a hung parliament full of gibbons, but who then can't seem to manage to communicate any of her plans or successes to the general public. So while she did an amazing job at passing legislation, she did a terrible job at conveying any of her messages to the voting public.
And then she turns around and gives a concession speech that is full of wit, personality, compassion and fortitude. Dammit, Gillard, where was that last week?
So those misogyny wars she started were just bollocks?
Oh, she SO did not start those! The coverage of her leadership in some quarters was staggeringly sexist from day one, and the Opposition's disrespect for her has been astonishing and appalling. There is no question that her misogyny speech was born out of anything other than genuine outrage and exasperation, and is one that most women in the Western world have felt like making at some point.
Never forget that while Julia Gillard was trying to shore up her numbers against Kevin, a woman named Wendy Davis spent 11 hours on her feet trying to prevent the state of Texas from legislating to control women's bodies. If you doubt that sexism is still entrenched in much of Australia, as it is in the UK and US, then you're Julie Bishop lying, or an idiot.
But what about what Tony Abbott says about it being outrageous the way she was rolled?
The way Kevin Rudd was rolled? The way Tony Abbott rolled Malcolm Turnbull? The way Turnbull rolled Brendon Neilsen? The way Kevin rolled Kim Beazley? Need I go on? Rolling leaders is an Australian sport. If only there were Test Matches in leader rolling, the upcoming Ashes wouldn't be such a dire prospect for everyone out here. (Except me, and all the other British expats who are wandering around cackling wildly at the prospect.)
But this is a terrible government, yes?
Not in terms of actual governing, they've actually been bloody amazing and Australia is in strong economic form and with wonderful new legislation regarding schools and disability insurance. In terms of PR, I admit they're a bit shitful.
What about the other leadership team changes, should we care?
No. Garrett is a much better rockstar than politician, Stephen Conroy tried to censor the internet and Wayne Swan is nearly as bad at mathematics as Joe Hockey. Although you can care that Penny Wong is now leader of the Senate, because that's BRILLIANT!
So what will Rudd do now he is back?
Be the dorky Ruddbot we all once loved. Travel all over the countryside shaking hands, saying 'programmatic specificity' and carrying suitcases through floods. Try to defeat Tony Abbott and win the next election then hopefuly get gay marriage legislation through. Sit up in bed at night looking at his business card, stroking the raised typeface where it says "K Rudd, PM", lovingly.
And will there be a Harry Potter version of this for the weekend?
Probably! I am very pleased that Mark Simkin, chief political correspondant for the ABC reported that Gillard and Rudd were like the Deathly Hallows, 'Neither can live while the other survives.'