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15 May 2011 @ 11:25 pm
Eurovision The Final  
It is here! (Or, it was, the other night in many place. Shush.)

The Australian commentators make me weep, even though I like them both as people. The Germans are back, same three, same crimes against fashion in the frocks. I am going to take it as a complex German joke that I lack the cultural references for. Oh, look! An shout out to the Australian audience! Thanks, Germany! We love you as a country even if these presenters are a little disturbing. Thanks for settling Adelaide and bringing a decent wine tradition to this country a hundred years before the Italians arrived!

HURRAH! The comedic presenter is thwacking squinty man presenter in the face with her hair! At last! And now he is singing, last year's winning song. Off to gchat with treacle_tartlet . He is so squinty, he is like Leonardo di Caprio's mean German cousin. Look, these presenters have not won me over, but I will give them points for being hardworking and willing to turn their hand to whatever is needed.

Apparently the stadium was a football field until the other month and has been converted. Pretty impressive stuff!

treacle_tartlet  has just suggested that Roy and HG should commentate next year for Australia, which would be a distinct improvement, but will mean nothing for most of you. And we're off! 

Finland to open. Look, many of my fave things come from Finland. I love its complex language, its Moomins, its islands and its children's songs about little piggies. I loves its people, its historic costumes, its capital and its political pragmatism. I do not love this song. The singer is very sweet, but I am coming out in my Presence of Earnest Folk Music rash. Any moment now the Greenham Common flashbacks will begin. Thank goodness this is only 3 minutes long. He makes me want to eat whale meat just to piss him off.

Bosnia & Herzegovina! I am going to put my money down and say that there is not a hope in hell of them winning, but I think that theirs would be the gig I would be least likely to commit mass homicide after of any of the artists who will perform tonight. And by god are they happy to be there! The lead singer is apparently 48. He looks old enough to be my father, which suggests that he is either lying, or else the war was hard for him. A bit less upbeat than last night, but it's still a decent song with a quality performance.

HURRAH! It's DENMARK! Where the lads in the group all met at Boarding School, need I say more? They are just as pretty as they were in the semi, though sadly the camerman is making the schoolboy error of focussing on the plainer singer. Turn to the Guitarists! Ah, there we go ... nice. This song is still very earnest, but Finland has actually inoculated me against earnestness now, so it's less bleah than it was in the semi. Hee! Leather trousers! Hey, the lead singer did not run around quite as much this time! Poor lamb, probably tired.

Time for Lithuania. She is just as nice as she was in semi-final 1. I am just as bored. We were debating the mystery of who put such a gorgeous woman into a frock that did nothing except find ways to make her hips look enormous when I realised it was probably the pianist's wife. Might file my nails ...

Ah, that's more smooth and even. Which brings us to Hungary. She really does have the most amazing hair and legs in the competition, now that Dana International is out. That dress is still fugly. I can see this song becoming a massive fave at the Imperial up the road. If there's not a Mardi Gras float pumping it out, I will be surprised. Every time I look at that frock, I think NO CAPES. But she is still bringing it, and the song itself is a fabbo disco anthem that is easily the most energy-filled thing we've seen so far tonight. I want to know what hairspray she uses, because it's incredible.

Ah ha ha! Lena has just said that she is back because she is egoistic. Bless her! The Danish guitarist is even cuter backstage, and the hot Russian is snogging the Australian presenter girl, who has just said she is old enough to be his mother, to which he replied 'No, you're too sexy!' Smooth!

JEDWARD! Oh, Ireland. I am SORRY about the last 600 years! Ooh! I missed that the other night -- they start with one twin on the ground like the reflection of the other so they could shoot from the front and the top and have the same shot. Those jacket shoulders still scare me, though. They are nearly as big as the lads' hair. God the boys have energy, though. When they reach puberty, they will make their future lovers very happy indeed. With instruction. Actually, looking at that choreography, with a lot of easily understood instruction. Someone keep them from the jelly snakes.

It's Sweden. The Popular boy! 'Stop, don't say that it's impossible, cos I know it's possible!' It's rhymes like that that give modern poets a bad name, young man! And he is very very young. He could join forces with Ukraine girl to make the most perfect skin care commercials known to humankind. Are we done yet? This is more tedious the second time round. How Terry Wogan stood it for all those years I will never know. Though I wish he were still there. Or that we had Graham Norton. Ah the sugar glass effect again. You're so butch young foetus man!

And now Estonia. This song has grown on me a bit in the last two hours, though I think I like her frock more than the song. They are all so attractive! Estonians are generally very cute as a people, which is probably racist, but they are! Why their Eurovision entry is about partying in New York, I will never know, but it was still fun.

GREECE! I am torn because I like these lads, but would not wish the contest on anyone in that much of an economic downturn. Actually, the rap bit is a bit funny tonight. South Central Athens just doesn't have the same hard edge to it ... classical boy remains edible, though. You know what it is? The rapper has a bedazzled cap. That is not a proper use of bling.

Now it's Russia's turn, with the flirty lad who kindly takes his shirt off when he senses a backstage camera. GOOD LAD. He does look a bit like Val Kilmer, though. Russian hip hop dance moves are ... very Russian, she says kindly. Ooh, lad is winking at the camera now. He is so not sleeping alone this weekend. Or, possibly, ever. HERO POSE! Thank goodness I am not drinking and treacle is not playing the Eurovisioon drinking game, or we would both be wasted by now with the number of cliches that have been trotted out already.

La Belle France! I have not heard this one before, but I like his boofy hair. I like all boofy hair, let's be honest. And it's opera. Oh bless! I can feel the Serious Culture and Drama from here. Alas, the hair gives him an unfortunate touch of the Les Mises, while I think he was going for the La Bohemes. Good voice, though. Lovely projection and a precise flexibility without any nasty burrs on the more resonant notes. And he is seriously easy on the eye, too.

ITALY! ITALY! HURRAH! Oh he is rocking a Dean Martin groove here, and I am all for it! Swallowing a few of those notes, though: bring it forward, son! His backing band are the best so far! And he is v good on the piano. Certainly the most musical turn yet. I have a feeling that neither France or Italy are trying to win, just to put everyone else in their place as performers. Which they have. Very nice, lads.

Now it's Switzerland. Lovely, lovely people, both the country and these performers. But the song makes me think of Jack Johnson and Dolly Parton making a cynical stab for the charts with the worst of each. And the graphics scare me with their insane cheeriness.

Oh sweet baby Jesus, it's the United Kingdom. With Blue. What fresh hell is this? They have little screens behind them with images of themselves, and then the title of the song: I CAN. In case they forget, I presume, given they must be getting on a bit by now. God it's the worst excesses of cock rock  with a bit of hard gym time glamming it up, isn't it? Seriously, they should have just sent Pippa Middleton and Prince Harry, which would have at least been amusing. An anthem looking for a cause, this one. I am so ashamed!

Moldova! Gnome hats! Unicycle! Gnome waistcoats! Shouting vocals! I am going to attempt to describe the background animation this time, it is like Fantasia mixed with Yellow Submarine, and consists of dozens of red-jacketed flying gnomes zooming off in all directions to a strobing background. DO NOT mix psychotropic drugs with this performance. Treacle and I love them best of all, because they are righteously demented. And it ends with a monocle, how could that be any better???

Time for Germany at last and the postcard, the bit of video before each entry, is the presenters. GO AWAY YOU LOT! This year's German singer was last year's winner, Lena. I am not as in love with her as many others are, though I would happily use her hair artist and whoever does her eyeliner. This song is not as much fun as last year's. Clearly this is her being more grown up and sexy, which might be good for her career, but is dull for Eurovision. We want the boppy tunes, the costume reveals and the gnome hats! And if we can't have that, we want Serious Cultural Excellence a la France. Also, the backing dancers in silver bodysuits look like giant sperm, which is distracting.

Romania, song 17, which still sounds like Cold as Ice. Oh, I've just noticed that his unfortunate waistcoat has an even more unfortunate tartan back. Dear oh dear! Can we have a Eurovision edict that bans Meaningful Songs? Just for one year? Even the boppy tune doesn't stop this one being preachy, it's like being trapped by a Charismatic Church and their wrongheaded ideas of cool. I fear that will be stuck in my head for weeks.

And now it's Austria, and the beautiful Nadine! I think I will mute this one, as she is so fabbo, and even has a brilliant voice, but the song shits me. treacle_tartlet  asks: has she borrowed her hair from Catherine Z-J's Velma Kelly? To which I reply yes, and her legs. Ah, the Seriously Soul Backup has arrived. I will tune out the lyrics and focus on the good singing. If this all fails, she has a wonderful future writing self-help books for the dim and gullible, and she will look terrific in the author shots.

Azerbaijan! That lad singing looks to be about 16, and the woman he is singing to looks about 35, and a lot like J-Lo. Which I support, really. This is a lovely song sung by lovely people and if it wins I will not be at all surprised, but it's lovely in the same way Michael Bublé is, which speaking as more of a Nick Cave person, I have to disapprove of on principle. 

The postcard for Slovenia is an old man base-jumping off a wind generator. Brave decision that could easily have ended in filming tragedy. It's good boot and mini-skirt, shit song woman again! Given that she looks like a taller version of what I looked like at her age, and we have not dissimilar clubbing outfit tastes and vocal styles, I am deeply annoyed on her behalf, as I feel she deserves better! I hope she does very well in the rest of her career, with much better songs! Great voice, I should say for those who missed the semis.

Sentimental favourite Iceland now, whose original singer and composer, Sjonni, died recently and so his friends brought the song to the contest. I actually do love this song, without any sarcasm or ironic stances. It's one of those happy songs we used to have back in the 70s that you could sing with anyone, anywhere, and which made you feel more cheery as you sang them. Nice harmonies, too. Oh and there's the fun Oompah moment at the end. I love this group. Oh Iceland, you bring joy in your grief. Your friend would be so proud! Oh BWAHAHAHAHA! They interviewed Iceland backstage and Julia asked one of the band if he had lots of money in the bank, he replied 'No, just in my pockets. We don't use banks any more.'

Spain! And she has a fuchsia mini with tasselly bits, plus two boy backup dancers in white suits. And the haunted, terrified eyes of a woman who knows that if she comes back with nil points, everyone she has ever loved will be shot. Seriously, cheer up, sweetie, it's only Eurovision! Her backing singers are the coolest of the evening, though the girls are carrying short lengths of pipe, maybe her nervousness is justified? Oh, no, they're flares. That cannot be OH&S friendly! Fun and bright, they could be in with a chance!

UKRAINE! Oh you two are so lovely to watch and listen to ... crazy purple vampire frock and all. The sandpainting is so amazing that it is easy to lose track of the song, which is not quite as good tonight as it was in the semi, but is still very good. treacle is not as keen on the singer's frock as I am, what looks like wings to me looks like bracket fungus to her. The gap in the vampire collar of the sand artist's frock for her hair to flow through is a piece of genius, I think.

Second-last song and it's Serbia with their tribute to the 1960s. This is a fun song well performed by damned cute performers in great outfits. If there was any justice in the world, they would be well in with a chance to win, but it's too cute, too kooky and too sung in Serbian, without half-naked dancers to make up for that, so they will just have to remain faves among the cognoscenti. She has one hell of a pair of pipes, though! And the backup singers do a great routine!

And it's the last song! How has this happened? Georgia bring the show to a close, with their Slytherin Common Room Stylings (treacle believes Iceland to be the Hufflepuffs). Nothing about these costumes makes sense, it is as though someone was given a lot of black satin and green neon tubing and told 'Just do your best, sweetie!' But she has a fantastic voice and the band are thoroughly decent. Not a hope of winning, alas.

Well. That was that. Tragic lack of costume reveals in this final, I feel. Oh, the presenters are back and the comedian woman is wearing a strange mini with a black tulley overlay that is floor length. Going for the best of both worlds, finding neither, alas. They're recapping the set and the Australian commentators have finally made me laugh. 'Listen to that audience for Blue, they love them!' 'Not as much as they love themselves …'

I do not think that either Iceland or Moldova will win, but I really want them to! Oh and the presenters are back -- comedy girl is making squinty chap carry her now, and there has been a Berlin Wall gag, bless.

And it's voting time. Good god, the Russians have given Blue 4 points, what were they thinking? They give their 12 to Azerbaijan, no one is surprised. Fuck me! Bulgaria gave 12 points to the UK! Are they all drunk? The Netherlands give 8 points to Bosnia and Herzegovina, bless em. Their 12 points go to Denmark, because they have taste. Iceland, alas, still on 0. Italy just gave the UK 10, which is insane, but they gave Iceland 5, bless. Cyprus give their 12 to Greece, which is great because it knocks the UK off the top spot. Ukraine and Ruslana, a previous winner, is giving their results. Their 12 go to Georgia -- neon is HUGE in the Ukraine. Finland's points give 8 points to Iceland, HURRAH! 10 to Ireland, WTF?? And 12 to Hungary, which I am all for. Norway gives the UK 1 point, and that is kind. 8 points to Iceland, HURRAH! 10 to Sweden, though, and their 12 goes to Finland because they are good neighbours and happy to tell terrible lies in the cause of national solidarity.

Ad break, and it goes on. Armenia gives their 12 to Ukraine, hurrah! But we are only 1/4 of the way through the votes. WEEPS! It's Ukraine, Sweden, Greece, UK Azerbaijan at the top of the leaderboard right now. Iceland gives their 12 to Denmark, go the pretty! Slovakia just gave Ireland 8 points. Oh the humanity! The UK gave our 8 points to Moldova, but then 10 to Switzerland and 12 to Ireland. You are ALL PISSED BACK HOME! I CAN TELL! Denmark also gve Ireland 12 points, I think Jedward might actually explode. Austria gave their 12 to Bosnia & Herzegovina, bless. And no one has nil points at this point! Poland gives Italy 10 and 12 to Lithuania. Oh god, this is beyond tedious. We're not halfway through, and I do love you lot, so bugger it, I am off to put the laundry on so I have some clean clothes for tomorrow. BRB with the winners.  (Sweden just gave Jedward 12 points. You've all gone mad with the warm weather haven't you?) The San Marino chap just came on singing, what a wanker. The washing looks good!

Right laundry on. Hungary give Iceland their 12 points, HURRAH! The Lithuanian commentator looks like my old mate Petrus, and Estonia are off the bottom of the table! Italy is closing Azerbaijan down, with the Ukraine and Sweden still at the pointy end, too. Bosnia and Herzegovina give their 12 to Slovenia. Ireland give 6 to the UK, because they half like us, while their 12 go to Denmark. Spain gives 10 to France and 12 to Italy, bless em! The Israeli point man is very dapper, they give their 12 to Sweden. Estonia gives 12 to Sweden, because they, too, like the pretty! And with Moldova's 10 to Azerbaijan, and 12 to Romania, it's official that Azerbaijan have won. Belgium gives 12 to France and Latvia gives their 12 to who cares? (Italy! Oh bless.)

Treacle is worried that Jedward are going to have a little cry. I have assured her that someone will distract them with sweets and that the joy of beating the UK will help.

OMG! I have been referring to the Azerbaijanis as that pervy J-Lo impersonator and his toyboy, the Aussie commentators allege that he is younger than her two children, and I believe them! But they are very happy to win, and at least they can sing, which is something. Hilariously, no one knows any cities in Azerbaijan to suggest as possible locations for the next contest. And I have just realised that they are singing 'I'm running, I'm scared', not 'I'm running upstairs'. That song makes more sense now. And the winners have announced Baku as the city we will all be watching next year.

Well, that's that for another year. Not an unforgettable Eurovision year, alas, but nice enough.
Vaysh Swiftstormvaysh on May 15th, 2011 01:49 pm (UTC)
I can now safely say that I missed nothing of the Eurovision, which I had not time at all to watch, because of your stupendous post. And what do you, crimes against fashion? It is called Berlin Bread & Butter Street Wear. ;) ♥
blamebramptonblamebrampton on May 15th, 2011 02:04 pm (UTC)
German fashion humour is subtle and beyond the ken of Anglo Saxons ;-)
ladyjanevaladyjaneva on May 15th, 2011 02:00 pm (UTC)
I'm not sure if you mean Jan Delay with this comment: "He is so squinty, he is like Leonardo di Caprio's mean German cousin"
Do you mean this here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0rDfOK6NX

The journalists from the guardian did not know him - bad journalists! He's very popular in Germany. He's tiny, ugly, has a weird voice but actually does good music. This stage however was not great for him. He's got rhythm and an ego four times his actual size :-D
blamebramptonblamebrampton on May 15th, 2011 02:03 pm (UTC)
No, I know him, he's great. It was the male presenter, whose name I could not be arsed learning.
germankitty: animated applausegermankitty on May 15th, 2011 02:38 pm (UTC)
Stefan Raab, a butcher (!) by trade. Oh, and he went halfway through law school; make of that what you will. :) (No, I don't like the guy; I prefer my comedians intelligent rather than vulgar, tyvm.)

Anke Engelke (comedy gal) used to be a decent comedic actress, but is something of a has-been nowadays.

And just FYI, Leonardo diCaprio's mother was born German; he used to visit his gran, who lived about half an hour from my home ... the postcard for the Spanish entry was actually filmed not too far from where I live. :)

I actually quite liked Blue and the UK entry ... *hides*
blamebramptonblamebrampton on May 16th, 2011 09:09 am (UTC)
*Waves at near your house*

Look, I think it's fine for non-English people to like Blue, and for Brits under 15. But for someone like me, it would not be acceptable ;-)

Anke was a VERY good sport, I liked the two women, but Stefan annoyed me constantly. And that does not surprise me about Leonardo, he has that nice open face that a lot of German men have.
germankitty: BVB Pinguingermankitty on May 16th, 2011 10:57 am (UTC)
Hmph. First my comment seemed lost yesterday, now I find I never received your answer. Surely it can't still be repercussions from that DdoS attack over a month ago?!?

I wasn't a Blue fan during their heyday (except for "All Rise"), but their Eurovision song just is a nice dance tune, IMO, just like the Swedish contribution. :)

Stefan constantly annoys a LOT of people; a few years back he was actually taken to court because he was permanently making fun of a teenage girl's name on live TV, for weeks on end.
yourebrilliant: mwahyourebrilliant on May 15th, 2011 03:47 pm (UTC)
Thank you! This was so much more fun than sitting through it myself! It's like having Terry back again, but with more comment on the fashions :D
blamebramptonblamebrampton on May 16th, 2011 09:10 am (UTC)
I now want 'Like Terry Wogan, but more into frocks' on my grave!

yourebrilliantyourebrilliant on May 16th, 2011 05:34 pm (UTC)
*writes note*...more into frocks...

Right. noted ;D
Loyaulte Me Lieshocolate on May 15th, 2011 04:31 pm (UTC)

I will never forget how mental Moldova were.

But I woke up humming Iceland...
blamebramptonblamebrampton on May 16th, 2011 09:11 am (UTC)
Guess what the only song in my head is?

Go on, guess.

Yep. Fucking Finland.

(Moldova were great. There should be a Spirit of Eurovision award for people like that.)
glorafinglorafin on May 15th, 2011 05:28 pm (UTC)
I should hope Jedward already reached puberty. They are 18. :)

It was my first Eurovision since I was a kid, and I must say that the standard of music is much better than I thought it would be. The bad rep of Eurovision is not completely warranted it seems. Moldova, Georgia, Hungary were my favourite music-wise.

PS : Don't you have a strong sense of familiarity when you hear the chorus of the Azerbaijan entry? I've been searching the song it reminds me of, but no luck so far.

quino_27 on May 16th, 2011 08:31 am (UTC)
Go Greece!
We were good, but then Lucas is always amazing both to listen to and look at!

Maybe we should have been more into the spirit of Eurovision and gone all out with the zeimbekiko. Flower girls with carnations, plates breaking, the guys dancing the zeimbekiko, have some fun dammit! Eurovision is not a place to be embarrassed as we well know and we sure didn't need to win this anyway! :)
blamebramptonblamebrampton on May 16th, 2011 08:42 am (UTC)
He was amazing! I kept being distracted by Rap Boy's hat, but that was fine, we had Classical Man to make up for him. It was actually a good blending of the styles for the most part, but definitely more at the musical talent end of the night than the likely to win Eurovision end.

And for god's sake! No populist actions! You might win and then all those mad people would descend on Greece!
quino_27 on May 16th, 2011 11:42 am (UTC)

We may have survived it once but I don't think now we would even make it through the 'seriouz-talk' phase let alone the Great Descend! Here the analysis over every little detail in the performances (and more) rivals the one we had over The Wedding, I dread to think how it'd be if we won this. :O>
george pushdragonpushdragon on May 16th, 2011 10:36 am (UTC)
Torn about Greece, so torn. From a start that featured breakdancing in full suit jackets and sequined baseball caps, it ended up rather nicely with fit young men showing off some potent traditional moves.

Why isn't there a sub-award for Most Mouthwatering?

And YES, poor Moldova, should have got the "For Trying" award at least! That was a monocle? Thanks for clearing up the mystery, I did wonder why he appeared to have stuck a dangling thing to his face!

One day, Australia is going to get a one-off "guest entry" into Eurovision and I can't wait to see what sort of train wreck of a Powerderfinger/Kylie combination act we put forward.
kirieldpkirieldp on May 16th, 2011 07:46 pm (UTC)
I picked Azerbaijan as the winners; not that I thought that their song was the best, but it was quite cute, and it is rather nice to see them win.

I was really pleasantly surprised by Italy going as well as they did. I thought they were great, but didn't have hope that the Eurovision crowd would agree.

Apart from Italy, Moldova were my faves... Madness mixed with Devo... didn't love the song, but loved the silliness of it all.