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30 May 2010 @ 11:37 pm
Eurovision, the final!  
I was going to ignore most of the Eurovision final from a recapping perspective, but I have a stomach ache from excess macaron consumption and cannot face writing or knitting, so here we go. And, alas, I am spoiled for the winner (eyes flist crossly), but I can at least hope that it is close. Half of me wonders if I should not be watching Doctor Who instead. And as it turns out, the opening sequence from Norway looks like a DW special effect for invading alien swarm, so clearly they feel my pain.

Now they have little telecards from all the nations, with punters wishing their teams best of luck. They start with the UK, which is simply cruel. Luck won't help, it'll need bloody miracle. Last year's winner wishes everyone luck, then pops out to perform his winning song, far breathier this year –– does he have the same cold as Niamh from Ireland? Oh you cougar, Ms Kavanagh! He hands singing duties over to the audience, which is probably for the best, but breaks out the violin section with skill. Lovely and short rendition, bless. Follows that up with winks to the audience, and that's fine, he's a cutie.

I did not think it was possible, but the frocks the girl presenters are wearing tonight are even more hideous than the ones they wore in the semi finals. They're attractive women, why do the show designers hate them? The chap's hair is boofed up so that, with his narrow hips and broad-shouldered tuxedo, he looks as though he might topple over thanks to top heaviness.

Oh that old May the Best Song Win line -- such a perennial lie ...

Song number 1 is Azerbaijan, and they assure me it's the favourite. I can't see how, but as we know, I am not a good judge of these things. Now that I know those are LEDs rather than sparkly sequins on her frock, it's even harder to watch. Though I like the fact they have a little man spotting her as she walks down that random prop staircase in those ridiculous shoes. She is a bit more passionate in her performance this time, and helpful stair man is off with his dance routine, which looks a little like calisthenics for Ninja Turtles. There is no excuse for a single glove unless you are a March sister at a ball. Apparently the running is part of the choreography, I'd have put her in more sensible shoes had I designed that one.

Spain now, one of the automatic entries. I am scared of this entry as it has a circus theme and the singer has such a mop of curly hair he looks like a clown. I HATE CLOWNS. Is that Raggedy Ann on the end there? Yup, and half the cast of The Nutcracker as backing dancers. Great. The Commedia dell'arte Union should have a stern word. And it looks as though there is a random person on stage! YES! THERE IS! Stage invasion at Eurovision! And he's being carried off ... Well I like the performers far more after they all dealt with that so well. And another curly headed singer is on stage now, look, they're good at the actual singing. HERO NOTE!, it's just a little bit bonkers without being fun. Though the dancers are all very athletic, and there's a HERO POSE to go with that hero note, bless!

Norway now, the home team. Oooh it's all meaningful at the beginning, moody and backlit. He's kind of pretty in a boy next door sort of way and these lyrics are shit. "Because my heart is yours, I'll never leave you, though we are far apart, I'm by your side, my love is never gone, I feel it rise again, though it all, now my heart is yours ..." Ohh, key change and backing singers! It's all a bit Riverdance without the dance, actually. If those five singers break out their tap shoes, I will be enormously impressed. Nope, just a lot of Serious Emoting. And that is a hell of a Hero Note, followed by Dramatic Key Change and Serious Stepping Across the Stage. Oh come on, not even a little bit of tap? Nope, only pyro. Meh. Good voice, at least.

Apparently security have moved up to the stage in droves. Sure, now.

Moldova! They're bonkers! Ah the crazy spinning violinist and pyro to begin with, and that mad eye shadow again. Actually, I failed to notice that she hjas a blue Tribble on one shoulder, so horrified was I by other aspects of that outfit in the semi. And now the saxophonist is leading team pelvic thrusts ... So much blond(e)ness, so little sense. There just isn't much to say about this song, think bad 80s pop performed by people whose sense of style was wholly informed by the Replicants in Blade Runner. Does that violin glow in the dark? It does! That's novel.

CYMRU, sorry, CYPRUS. Ah my lovely Welsh lads and lasses. They're more relaxed now, having nailed their act in the semi. That lead singer looks like fanon!James Sirius Potter. And WHAT IS THAT FACIAL HAIR ON THE BACKING SINGER?? The boy one, I should add. Teeny little beardy bits along the jawline require a really defined jawline, sir, and yours was about three stone ago. You're a sweet looking lad, just shave. Despite being beautifully performed and very professional, this song is tedious even by Eurovision standards. I would not be telling you about my feelings, young man, no matter how sweetly you implored me to, I would be getting you drunk and taking advantage of your innocence.

Next up, Bosnia and Herzegovina with Thunder and Lightning. Ooh! It's Coldplay Light! I'd forgotten which B country they were from. Despite being a bit Earnest, I actually really like this song, and they're giving a kicking performance. Doubtless this means they will lose horribly. I must say that the backing singers all look as though they have been off to a formal party with Duran Duran, as opposed to the Chris Martinny look their front man has adopted, it's an odd mix. There's no point mentioning the hero poses in this, as it's all one long shift from one pose to another. Bless.

Ooh, ad break! Maybe I can fit in one more macaron. Er ... sort of ... eeerrrrr ... They're interviewing Alexander, last year's winner now, and he looks as though he would like to run away. Possibly to go to the loo. He loves the German song, apparently. Look, it's pretty catchy. And since you've all seen the show and some bugger spoiled me, let's be honest, it wins.

Belgium! I like this chap, our little Neville lookalike. Lovely folky vibe to his performance with an edge of late 90s indie pop. Just a terrific, sincere, straightforward good performance with no gimickry. He's completely doomed, isn't he? But the crowd love him, and he seems buoyed by that. You probably won't do well in the actual points young Tom Dice Neville, but I suspect you could have an actual and successful career.

Now it's one of my very wrong faves, Serbia's Milan with his demented hair and sparkly jacket. His Aunty Rada lives in Sydney! His dance moves are a little stiff, but there's not a lot of room to move in those trousers. Is he wearing pink spats? And those poor Swarovski-coated backing singers in the boothy things. Someone really hated this group, but was nevertheless left in charge of their costumes. The blokey backing dancers continue to charm, though. They can move all the props back into the truck after the show. Oh lord, he has a sparkly little teddy bear pendant dangling form his sparkly rose on his sparkly jacket.

OH GOD!! Spain are going to perform again at the end to give them a fair chance. But think of the viewers! Hey, another shout out for Australia! Thanks, Norway, we love you, too!

And it's the Butterflies from Belarus. I refuse to say another word about this song, unless there's a stage invasion.
Except that I have only just realised the whole thing is in English, rather than just the chorus. Oh, chaps ...

Tragically, the security staff really have their act together now. It's Norway, though, so that other fellow will be outside being given a Stern Talking To rather than harsh beating, fear not.

And now it's Ireland with lovely Niamh! Who is actually younger than me, but has clearly been living a harsh Starkadder-like existence somewhere in rural Ireland rather than West Sussex. Moisturiser, Niamh! And illuminating foundation! Her voice is much recovered, that lovely smooth colour all back. Alas, the colour of her frock has not changed and still clashes horribly with her hair. And yes, that is of course an Irish whistle, not flute. Look, I just recap, I don't fact check here. Get out and Google if you're perturbed. Lovely, pleasant song that's enough to make Ireland look massively talented without saddling it with the huge expense of the Eurovision circus. Beautifully pitched, both Ireland and Niamh. Pronounced more or less as Neeve if you're wondering.

Greece! Greece! Opa! Opa indeed! The cameraman keeps cutting away from the atsonishingly hot backing dancer to the other not so hot ones, and then, worse, back to the singer. SO UNFAIR! OMG! I missed that in the semi, the random drums held by the dancers contained pyro effects! Brilliant! Sorry, distracted by hot dancer.

Oh hell, it's the UK. Sorry, Europe. And who designed this staging? Ikea? He's off key already: don't go for hero notes if you're pitchy! Just move on as quickly as possible and take your shirt off! Though that's a general rule, not for you, young Josh. No one needs to see your bare prepubescent chest. Can I take a moment to say that titling this song 'That Sounds Good to Me' makes the whole thing far too easy for headline writers everywhere. The girl backing singers look as though they would rather be having dental surgery. And well they might. Also, swivelling your hips on top of a lighted box while holding up a bed sheet is not choreography. Oh Jesus, two slaughtered notes at the end. WHAT DID THEY DO TO YOU, JOSH?

:-( They interviewed the Greek team, but the hot dancer was not there. Life is so cruel! Josh from the UK at least has a sense of humour, so he will probably have sex before he dies. And QUICK CUTAWAY OF HOT DANCER! Clearly he was too much for the cameraman, and I can understand that.

Georgia now. So much wind machine action! The singer's first 30 seconds of movement are all supported by the two boy dancers, as though she is too weak to move independently, then she STEPS OVER the girl dancer. That dancer is giving it her all and this is what she gets? And karma! Singing girl's hair has just flopped over her face in a close-up. One of the boy dancer's keeps skimming his lips over girl singer's bare shoulders. I suspect intrigue! Oh, she's giving it her all, but the Russian bloc is never going to support Georgia, so she can let go of that dream.

Next up, Turkey and their serious rock entry. So much eyeliner ... So much strobe lighting. That robot dancer makes no more sense the second time through. She does get undressed very quickly, though, and that's a useful skill in the theatre. I note that the deisgner made her helmet a two-piece snap-apart job, so she has good hair. Very thoughtful! I have nothing more to say than last night, so I'll move on.

Albania now, which opens like Blondie's Call Me, but quickly becomes more disco. She is a bit scary with her stiff flicks and silver-edged tunic. Her song's lyrics are as to healthy relationships as Twilight is to ... er ... healthy relationships. But the violinist is still very good, even if his hair is something like Sonic the Hedgehog. Actually, the backing singers also have fabu hair! You know those big round buns made over circular padding that were everywhere in the 1970s? Three of them: gorgeous. God, she's still singing. Oh she's done, phew!

It's the lovely Hera Bjork from Iceland. The song's a bit comme ci, comme ca for my liking, but she's gorgeous in a normal person way. Lots of big lighting effects here, which are somewhat distracting. Is it totally un PC of me to suggest that the backing singers aren't the usual Icelandic waifs because the singer is a more voluptuous woman and they didn't want to make her feel bad by throwing any supermodel types into the set? It works, because they're all just pretty rather than distractingly shiny, so you can focus on the song. Which is being sung brilliantly, but remains rather crap in and of itself, alas.

Oh god, it's the Ukraine and the girl with the hoodie and the frock that shows all her bits. She's so earnest that it hurts. Though stepping about in those massive high-heeled laced-up boots can't be fun. No wonder she's so upset. What about the children, indeed. The sort of young person who needs a good stint on a farm, if you ask me, and no more Serious Poetry until she's 35.

France, now. I've only seen bits of this song, and it is in fact the French theme to the World Cup! I KNEW IT! Allez Ola, Olé, apparently. And apparently the French entry is sharing costumes with the Greek, save for the girl in tiny shorts and a striped T-shirt. The choreography seems entirely to be pelvic thrusts and football-like kicks. Fuck this, I'm knitting a few rounds until they're gone. Admirable energy and recycling, but bleah. I hope you do well in the football, though!

And its Romania, with their duelling pianos! She has such great Rock Hair, which makes up for the fact that he has very little hair: sticking a silly beard line around your jaw does not disguise that hairline, sir! Good voices and a fun, high-energy song, though. One of the interesting things about these two that they have quite different singing styles, but go together really rather pleasantly. And the backing vocals are nicely used, too. In all, this song has really well balanced voices; well done, Romania! Shame the lyrics are so unbearably stupid I can't bear to discuss them again.

Song 20 is Russia, or as we know it, Man With Serious Scarf. Oh god he's Earnest. I know that life can be hard in Russia, and that they have centuries of depressing literature to wade through before they even finish school, but surely this chap has experienced at least one moment of joy in his life? The 'Photo' is still a drawing, and I've only just picked up the next lyric: 'I'm going to burn it now, because I have to forget you now'. Bloody hell, man, pull yourself together! Go on a holiday! Italy is nice! Great voice, but this song is making me miserable, and I still have more than 15 macarons in the house. Shut up.

AHAHAHA! The Iceland team have a smoking volcano in the green room. Bless you dears!

OOH! APRICOT STONE! Hello Armenia! Such a pretty girl. We start with out old chap playing his suitably ethnic instrument (a duduk, apparently), and now she's here emoting, and Jackie Chan is dancing with his pot again, and some bugger has stolen the front of her frock so she's still having to wear those awful jeans. She's terribly tall, and her hair is very long: it may be nearly as long as I am tall, really. They have the old man on a really fake rock that looks as though it is made of papier-mâché, and the backing singers look like bad vampire RPS characters now I look at them. OOH BIG HAIR FLICK! It's a good song, really, but more suited to a wedding reception than Eurovision.

And now it's Germany and Lena and she's going to win with her song Satellite. Which is fair enough, it's a good song and she's got a cute voice, even though she's dressed as Bella Swan for this performance. ooh, I like her fleur de lis tattoo! I wonder if it's real? Or from the German version of that shop in America that sells the tatty young Goth wannabe stuff? You know, I could work more on my cultural references if I want to keep my younger flistees feeling connected ... I shouldn't mock, I actually owned the exact outfit she is wearing in 1985. In fact, drop a couple of inches from her height and add them to her hair, break her nose and that's disturbingly like what I looked like in 1985. Till 1994. Hush, I dislike shopping for clothes. Very cute, very swish, and I'm not surprised she wins.

Portugal and their beautiful but boring tune, sung by their beautiful and probably really interesting when she's not at Eurovision singer. I have nothing more to say and plan to check the IM that is blinking at me.

And now it's Israel again. He's still pretty, he's still emoting. I'm still choosing to knit rather than recap this song again. Check out the semi-final report if you deeply care (I would be SHOCKED to find anyone did).

Denmark were going to be the last song, but now we have the horror of a repeat Spain performance to face. But first the Danes. This is the fake-break-up song with far too much hair from all concerned. Nice shadow work with the scrim at the beginning, and I wonder if her cheeks are really that smooth or if she's been stealing some of Milan's dermal filler? OOH! Slidey stage panels separating them! Because she doesn't know how to get to you! And now she's hobbling back in those ridiculous heels and he's chivalrously taken her hand so she can balance. What a dear. Danes almost always have lovely manners, and it's nice to see them being celebrated in the choreography, or chorrie, as Australians call it. God that's a lot of wind machine ... And they end with a sweet little snog, darling!

And it's Spain again. Completely unfazed. I applaud their professionalism, but am turning to knitting in a bid to escape the clown-centric horror that is playing out once more.

LOVELY interval act: dancing around Europe with the camera switching from city to city where big crowds are doing synchronised routines. Except the UK set, who were a bit rubbish. Dublin and Vilnius were terrific! Why is dance music still focussed on us putting our hands up? Why not feet? or bottoms? Some professional dancers now, eh, bring back the Irish. Or I think the Maltese were also good. I can't be arsed to flick back. A lone soul up at the North Sea, dancing to keep warm. Ahhh ... Well, that was jolly. BTW, Erik, if that is in fact the blond bloke presenter's name, tore off his tux stripper-like earlier to reveal a tracksuit, but it is back now. I am telling myself it is the same one and he will reveal all at the end. It is making this section far more interesting.

I do like the fact that Norway has very low-key Entertainment in these bits, focussing on the audience and performers. If I had to watch another Earnest Cultural Extravaganza of the type we have had in previous Eurovisions, I could have required a little crying break.

RESULTS! And a sweet little visual gag to introduce the president of Eurovision. He informs us there are 39 presenters ready to give us their results, with 50% coming from popular televoting, and 50% from national juries. For anyone who has made it this far and has not watched Eurovision, I should warn you that this section takes about an hour, and used to take longer, and consists of people reading out the names of countries with numbers attached. For some people it is their 15 seconds of fame and they milk it for all it is worth. The 1-7 points from each nation are put up on the tallyboard automatically, then the presenters read out the 8 points, then 10 points and 12 points -- douze points!

Romania first, another supermodel from there. 12 points to Denmark from them! We cut to the Green Room and the Danes are thrilled. Ireland has given 8 to Germany, 10 to Belgium (NEVILLE!) and 12 to Denmark! They're beyond thrilled. The German presenter gives a boost to Lena (they have already begun on the World Cup Beers, obviously), then 8 to Greece, 10 to Turkey, and 12 to Belgium! NEVILLE! He's very surprised and quite happy.

Serbia's beautiful no-nonsense presenter tells us their 8 go to Germany, 10 to Greece and 12 to Bosnia and Herzegovina! Who are quietly rapt. Albania has a be-suited presenter who tells us that 8 points go to Turkey, 10 to Germany, 12 to Greece. And I would like to say I am clearly not the only person who appreciates hot backing dancers.

Turkey, speaking in French mainly, give their 8 to Bosnia and Herzegovina, 10 to Germany, 12 to Azerbaijan, and she is SO EXCITED. And blue. Croatia's presenter has the straightest hair I have ever seen. 8 points to Serbia, 10 to Bosnia and Herzegovina and 12 to Turkey. No shocks there! Results from Poland now, 8 to Azerbaijan, 10 to Belgium, 12 to Denmark! And some lunatics have given the UK five points so far. WHY??

Bosnia and Herzegovina give their 8 to Germany, 10 to Turkey and 12 to Serbia! YAY MILAN! Germany is in the lead so far, with Turkey and Greece close behind. also, that presenter has insanely fake red hair.

AHAHAHAHAHA! I think the German performer Lena just did a fake Australian accent! I hope so!

Finland and a very golden presenter here. 8 to France, 10 to Israel and 12 to Germany. Slovenia next, man in cool glasses and really ugly shirt. 8 to Serbia, despite Milan's hair. 10 to Germany, and 12 to Denmark. Germany well ahead now.

Estonia, whose presenter seems to be wearing a jacket made of dalmatians. 8 to Georgia, which he is singing! 10 to Russia EEK, still singing, 12 to Germany! Oh skunk hair and dog jacket man, shush! Moscow and beautiful woman, no one is surprised. 8 to Azerbaijan, 10 to Georgia GOSH!, and 12 to Armenia. At least no one has given any more to the UK.

Portugal have a perfectly sane presenter, who announces 8 points for Greece, 10 to Romania, and 12 to Spain. Ireland have only 6, this is a travesty!! Azerbaijan and someone from Dynasty presenting: 8 to Georgia, 10 to Ukraine, 12 to Turkey. And they gave 2 to the UK and none to Ireland. WHY?? Greece and a very sober man in a suit that looks as though he has not bought it for the occasion. very sensible. France get their 8 points, 10 point to Albania, 12 to CYPRUS! YAY THE WELSH! He has an I <3 YOU MUM scrawled on his belly, and is lifting his shirt to show it.

Iceland give 8 points to Greece, 10 to Belgium, and 12 to Denmark. Denmark's votes now: 8 to Romania, 10 to Belgium, and 12 to Germany. Meh. Neville is coming second now! France's votes, from a very hot girl, 8 points to Portugal, 10 points to Serbia! and 12 points to Turkey! Who have just taken second place. Spain now, 8 to Romania, 10 to Romania and 12 to Germany. And no one has 0 points at this point!

Oh god, we're only halfway through the votes. What was the Romanian song again? Best I forget.

Lena is being interviewed and she is freaking out cheerfully. I do rather like her, I have to confess. Manga from Turkey are in second and they are excited, even though they clearly think Germany has it. All very cute. OH GOD! They have put that tall woman presenter in a new and even worse frock! WHY? The other girl presenter has also had a frock change and actually looks better than in her previous frock. Maybe she paid the director off.

Slovakia now, 8 points to Israel, 10 to Belgium, 12 to Germany. Bulgaria and a woman with a spiral perm who is talking about herself. Terrific! 8 points to Armenia, 10 to Turkey, and 12 to Azerbaijan. Ukraine's presenter has Cleavage. She tells us they give 8 to Turkey, 10 to Russia and 12 to Azerbaijan -- bloc voting at its finest! Latvia has apparently brought in a spiv, who is talking about himself and giving the Norwegian presenter flowers. 8 points to Russia, 10 points to Denmark, and 12 to Germany. Malta's presenter quickly gives Denmark 8 points, 10 to Belgium and 12 to Azerbaijan. Professional!

Norway's points now: 8 to Denmark, 10 to Romania and 12 to Germany. She's well ahead now. Poor Iceland and Ireland! Cyprus give 8 to Romania, 10 to Azerbaijan and 12 to Greece! YAY! Lithuania's presenter is delicious and I want to take him home. As long as he doesn't talk. 8 points to Spain, 10 points to Germany and 12 to Georgia. Belarus now, and someone who looks and sounds like an accountant. 8 points to Israel, 10 to Ukraine, and 12 to Russia! Morose scarves FTW! Switzerland and PHWOAR, that frock is sprayed on. 8 points to Albania, 10 to Serbia, and 12 to Germany. BORING! Belgium give 8 to Iceland! YAY! 10 to Germany, and 12 to Greece! And Ireland have 12 and the UK has only 7 so the natural order is not broken.

The UK now and a young DJ who I care not for. 8 points to Romania, 10 to Turkey and 12 to Greece! YAY! Go Britain! Our songs are shit, but we vote well. And gave 7 to Ireland. The Netherlands now: 8 to Turkey, 10 to Israel, 12 to Armenia! GO APRICOTS. Israel now and look at those ears! He's an unfortunate looking chap, but speaks Norwegian, bless.  8 points to Romania, 10 to Russia, and 12 to Armenia! The old guy is thrilled.

FYR Macedonia now, and that frock is unfortunate on a basically pretty girl. 8 points go to Germany, 10 to Turkey and 12 to Albania! It's a late run, but too late as Germany are well ahead. Moldova tonight and a woman who looks like a weathergirl from 1989. 8 to the Ukraine, 10 to Russia, 12 to Romania. Ah the Soviet Bloc, bless! Georgia and a girl with a side pony-tail balanced with a giant earring on the other side. Odd. 8 to Azerbaijan, 10 to Armenia, and 12 to Belarus! YAY! They're ahead of the UK!

Sweden's presenter is a very pretty young man indeed. 8 points to Denmark, he says with a sweet little sigh. 10 to Romania, and 12 to Germany. Don't go! Come back! Finally, Armenia and a beautiful, dainty woman who should get together with the guy from Sweden and make beautiful children. 8 to Ukraine, 10 to Russia, and 12 to Georgia!

Lena's won it, and she seems to be in shock. SWEET TEA! And Angela Merckl, all that money-saving was worth it, you can afford the Eurovision circus! Well done. Lovely big bunch of flowers for little Lena and she's off to perform again, bless her. She's having a little cry, and there's Alexander with her trophy and there's kissing! I SEE A BEAUTIFUL FUTURE FOR THOSE TWO! Wisely, she is not going to make a long speech, but will just throw her flag over her head and sing again. Bless her, she's a sweetie. Someone get her and Alexander together, would you? Cheers! Right, I'm not hanging around for the song again, there's a Grand Prix to watch!
shu_shu_sleepsshu_shu_sleeps on May 31st, 2010 09:07 am (UTC)
I was heartily cheered by the fact that several Australia news sites very carefully hid away the news of who won - for example the ABC whose Just In news entry said - Eurovision winner announced - spoiler alert - and you had to click on the link to find out who it was and then still had to scroll down three or four lines before the name of the winner was to be found.
And poor Britain - the lead singer actually wasn't too bad, but the backing singers were just totally out of tune.....