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10 March 2010 @ 03:11 am
Ai me ...  
I've always had Chinese friends, and also English, these days generally Anglo, friends who live in China. That said, the one thing I can say in Mandarin is 'Aiya!' Follow around any Chinese grandmother while she is watching her teenaged grandchildren and you'll hear this expression. It's one of those fabulously adaptable phrases, but, as I learned it, is often used to convey deep frustration. 

(I tried to get aiyo down, which is, I believe, 'Ouch!', but I have never met a Chinese grandmother willing to admit to pain, and my friends have always been so busy laughing at my abysmal attempts that they have been useless to teach me anything. Bastards.)

This is all preamble to explain why I have been exercising my one piece of Mandarin this evening. I have been working on a fic that is Giving Me Issues. When I say fic, it's really one scene. Which I will probably cut. But I have been trying to write sex. I am not good at this. The good news is that the Literary Review has its annual Bad Sex Award, the historic highlights list of which is full of sex scenes that are FAR worse than mine!

The worst of all was last year's winner from Jonathan Littell's The Kindly Ones:
Her vulva was opposite my face. The small lips protruded slightly from the pale, domed flesh. This sex was watching at me, spying on me, like a Gorgon's head, like a motionless Cyclops whose single eye never blinks. Little by little this silent gaze penetrated me to the marrow. My breath sped up and I stretched out my hand to hide it: I no longer saw it, but it still saw me and stripped me bare (whereas I was already naked). If only I could still get hard, I thought, I could use my prick like a stake hardened in the fire, and blind this Polyphemus who made me Nobody. But my cock remained inert, I seemed turned to stone. I stretched out my arm and buried my middle finger into this boundless eye. The hips moved slightly, but that was all. Far from piercing it, I had on the contrary opened it wide, freeing the gaze of the eye still hiding behind it. Then I had an idea: I took out my finger and, dragging myself forward on my forearms, I pushed my forehead against this vulva, pressing my scar against the hole. Now I was the one looking inside, searching the depths of this body with my radiant third eye, as her own single eye irradiated me and we blinded each other mutually: without moving, I came in an immense splash of white light, as she cried out: 'What are you doing, what are you doing?' and I laughed out loud, sperm still gushing in huge spurts from my penis, jubilant, I bit deep into her vulva to swallow it whole, and my eyes finally opened, cleared, and saw everything.

I will probably still end up deleting the one I am working on, but I would like it to be known that it is nowhere near that bad!

Also, I would like to share this video of my new favourite North American. Madam, I salute your neck strength! And the Book Club tonight had a whole show on great film adaptations of great books and did not once mention To Kill A Mockingbird! Madness!

Finally, HAPPY BIRTHDAY marinelle24 , may your day be wonderful and lacking in both bad sex and very naughty cats!
Loyaulte Me Lieshocolate on March 9th, 2010 04:14 pm (UTC)


*cannot unread it*
blamebramptonblamebrampton on March 9th, 2010 04:16 pm (UTC)
I did warn you!

But it is award-winningly bad ;-)
(no subject) - shocolate on March 9th, 2010 04:22 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - blamebrampton on March 9th, 2010 04:25 pm (UTC) (Expand)
Potteresque Irepotteresque_ire on March 9th, 2010 04:21 pm (UTC)
Aiya is more like a frustrated / in-disdain OMG—as in "OMG look at this. It's ruined!" kind of OMG :))))

That passage is made of so many levels of awesome... :DDD
blamebramptonblamebrampton on March 9th, 2010 04:24 pm (UTC)
Yes! That is how I use it, if not how I can explain it ;-)

'Oh look at the twaddle you just wrote! Aiya!'

You know, being a satirist is deadly for writing sex: 'And as he collapsed against her he breathed out her name in joy at the liquification of his bones. And also his boner.'

(no subject) - potteresque_ire on March 9th, 2010 04:28 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - blamebrampton on March 9th, 2010 04:30 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - potteresque_ire on March 9th, 2010 04:34 pm (UTC) (Expand)
Hollyhollyxu on March 9th, 2010 04:26 pm (UTC)
*covers eyes and gingerly picks way through post*

Mah eyes, blamebrampton!

Hehe, as for the aiya-aiyo, I actually heard more of the latter, mainly because I fell a lot as a child. :P (Tell you what, I'll try and find a youtube or something for you...)
blamebramptonblamebrampton on March 9th, 2010 04:28 pm (UTC)
I am so sorry about your eyes! I did cut it, for love of my flist!

YouTube aiyo would be lovely, thank you!
(no subject) - hollyxu on March 10th, 2010 12:43 am (UTC) (Expand)
(Deleted comment)
blamebramptonblamebrampton on March 9th, 2010 04:51 pm (UTC)
*Cannot reply, have died of giggling*
Asta: pic eliza bennet readingastarael02 on March 9th, 2010 05:18 pm (UTC)
I read that bad sex extract...

...Oh. My. God. O.o
blamebramptonblamebrampton on March 9th, 2010 05:24 pm (UTC)
I cut these things out of respect for your mental health ...

(Go and read some of the others at the link, a few are just hilarious. The Ranulph Fiennes one is EXACTLY the sort of thing I would write. I like to think that author had comedic intent, too.)

(Edited because I cannot type at this hour)

Edited at 2010-03-09 05:25 pm (UTC)
Camdenabusing_sarcasm on March 9th, 2010 05:28 pm (UTC)
That is the most awful and confusing sex scene I've ever had the misfortune to see!

It narrowly edges out the scene in Beat the Reaper where the main character boosts a girl onto his shoulders because they're in a TANK FULL OF SHARKS and he performs oral sex on her while the sharks swim around, finishing off the body of her brother who was ripped apart moments before. And she cries the whole time. IN A SHARK TANK. Aiyo, indeed...

So as long as you don't include a dismembered brother, sharks, or the word "vulva," you should be doing juuuuuust fine. :)
inamacinamac on March 9th, 2010 05:44 pm (UTC)
Memorably bad because it's trying to be pretentious. I recall an interview with the Bad Sex judges on one of the arts programmes in which someone pointed out that the secret to writing sex scenes is to write them in the same way as the rest of the novel - they cited Alan Hollinghurst as a master at doing this - so the reader doesn't get thrown by a change of style as the author atempts (and fails) in the manner of a showjumper tackling the puissance.

Though if that's Jonathan Littell's usual writing style then it's not just bad sex he's going to get awards for.
libby_drew on March 9th, 2010 05:50 pm (UTC)
Now that I've read it, I'd like to erase it from my mind, please.

lotus_lizzylotus_lizzy on March 9th, 2010 06:37 pm (UTC)
Don't delete!!! Just take a day or two to regroup. Sometimes a day of thinking can change your outlook on it! I look forward to reading whatever you post, so try again!
spark_of_chaosspark_of_chaos on March 9th, 2010 08:02 pm (UTC)
Sweet baby Jesus, Brammers, I will not be able to read sex scenes for MONTHS. Gorgona. Unblinking one-eyed cyclops. Third eye. Wut??? What sort of person comes up with that!
ladyjanevaladyjaneva on March 9th, 2010 08:21 pm (UTC)
That sex scene is sooo bad - is it really a sex scene? I doubt it. Doesn't read like one. Doesn't feel like one. Has very weird vocabulary.

Seriously, I'm asking myself what kind of drugs were involved...

I think my favourites are the ones from 2000 and 2005 (yes, of course I had to click on that link ;-))

Whatever you write can't turn out all bad!
down the hills and round the bendsnorton_gale on March 9th, 2010 09:02 pm (UTC)
OUCH! (re the bad sex passage) Where was the editor hiding? Also, sounds like something that would never happen in real life. I wouldn't want this guy anywhere near my female parts.

Oh, but I like your sex scenes! Subtlety is a good thing. And if you really think you need help, ask the master (or mistress, I should say) of sex writing - calanthe_fics
Catscatsintheattic on March 9th, 2010 09:40 pm (UTC)
I skipped the sex scene and went straight to the cat video, which was made of smile and catishness! :-)

To Kill A Mockingbird should be mentioned on every list of good books and good movie adaptions. *nodnodnod*
trichinopoly ash: nick: hilarious!aldehyde on March 9th, 2010 11:43 pm (UTC)
heh, i say aiyya a lot thanks to my high school and uni friends - almost all of whom are asians born and brought up in canada. they say it instead of damn/crap/shit, or in an ironic way, and i really enjoy the expression.

the bengali version, in case you're interested, would be ish! or dhur! or uff! :D

oh gods. i have never wanted to read "vulva" in a passage about sex, and definitely not THAT many times *reaches for the brain bleach*
Dedicated Escape Artist: Clowns!jadzialove on March 10th, 2010 04:52 am (UTC)
I really really hate when the sex is spying on me....

Is it wrong that I was relieved when I read, I will probably still end up deleting the one I am working onand cheered a little bit in my head?

blamebramptonblamebrampton on March 10th, 2010 06:11 am (UTC)
HEE! Oh man ... I am trying, but yeah ...

In happier news, I just sent your parcel! It was a bit overweight, so I took out the Jodi Picoult novel and gave it to the woman behind the counter. Probably for the best, I was hoping to amuse P, not horrify her with truly dreadful writing.

Edited at 2010-03-10 06:23 am (UTC)
(no subject) - jadzialove on March 13th, 2010 02:38 am (UTC) (Expand)