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27 February 2010 @ 12:06 am
I seem to be regressing, but also, recs!  
No skating today, I have only nice things to say about the women and that's not funny at all! (Though there does need to be some effort put into matching tight and skin colours, it's ridiculous!)

The last fortnight has been a bit spotty. I came down with an ear infection that meant I was not confident in my verticality for some time. Hilarious to watch, but no fun, especially when it means I am even further behind on everything that I was at the start of February. Then on Tuesday night I gave myself colic, which is ridiculous when you consider my age.

As my doctor, an Oriental woman of a similar age tells me: 'Let go of the milk dream, you're a middle-aged Caucasian, lactose intolerance is your inheritance, be grateful you could scoff cream through your youth!'

And yet I chose to have ice-cream for dinner on Tuesday night as it was hot, and I could not be arsed to cook. When I woke up in the middle of the night with stomach pain, I immediately went to the ebola place, but a quick mental checklist of symptoms confirmed colic. I started off treating myself as I would a foundering horse (sans lead rein, I just walked myself about), then decided to go the baby route and cuddle a hot bottle to my belly. Of course this worked, but I felt ridiculous.

I thought this would be the most undignified moment of the week, but that was before this afternoon. As I was walking home through the nice housing estate near my work there was a gang of small children arguing over a bicycle (one owned it, two others wanted to ride it, several more were arbitrating). I was having a quiet giggle listening to the arguments ('I have to go home!' 'I just need to ride around the roundabout!' 'You can tell your mum we'll bring it back later!') when one of the girls said 'That little girl is laughing at us!'

I kept walking, but a shout of 'You! Little girl!' made me glance about to see who was being shouted at. Yes, it was me.

I looked down at them from my slight distance. 'What are you? Six?' I asked. There was general nodding and a few murmurs of 'Five.' 

'I'm 43!' I protested.

'Don't be ridiculous!' said the imperious girl, while the rest of us burst out laughing. That will teach me to wear my Lilla My frock to work.

My health is recovered, my dignity still dented, but the week has been immensely cheered by two fics. The first is from pushdragon . She and I went to see Pericles last year. This is one of those Shakespearean plays that are rarely performed, mostly because it's thoroughly stupid. She read the play the night before we saw it and gleefully greated me at the theatre with 'You didn't tell me there were PIRATES!' When I won a fic in her Haiti auction, I knew exactly what I wanted. Exeunt Pirates is the result, a brilliant tale with more than a touch of Scheherazade in the voice and a far funnier than Pericles plot. Full of great skewering jokes, fabbo H/D and a terrifically tight structure that will have you admiring the art if you can stop cackling long enough. I quote:
Yep. Kidnapped by pirates – the gangplank, the wooden legs, the cutlasses, the whole caboodle.

I beg your pardon? It's what?

When you say "totally fucking predictable", I have to ask myself whether have you ever stumbled across a dictionary in your sorry excuse for a life, or perhaps been struck a few too many times over the head with one. Look at a map. We were 1500 miles from Somalia, and in the wrong bloody ocean in any case.
The second fic is even sillier and yet no less splendid. wemyss  has deserted the Arcadian for a quick jaunt in the Candian and all things men's skating. Yes, my friends, this means H/D and Johnny Weir. It's another short read and with a cast of many all being splendid, bound to bring a smile to even the most jaded face. Plus, there's a threesome. The Age of Gold. Also Silver. Oh, and Bronze, Come to That. A taste:

As the man with the curious under-bite minced towards them, it was immediately clear that he was not in fact a Tory Member – and was a much younger man, and a Yank to boot.

He surveyed them coolly.  ‘Mmmm,’ purred he.  ‘Actually, my name’s Paris – every celebrity should have a blond friend named “Paris” – but you two can call me whatever you like, and I shall call you “Daddy”.’
κάτι τρέχει στα γύφτικα_inbetween_ on February 26th, 2010 01:12 pm (UTC)
Your wide knowledge of the animal kingdom came in handy again. I see nothing silly or undignified in correctly treating severe digestive tract pain.

I do need a photo of you (in those outfits) though. You swear you didn't edit that story and they were geriatrics? Because it's too cute.
blamebramptonblamebrampton on February 26th, 2010 01:25 pm (UTC)
It was mostly the one little girl, and to be fair to her, I had plaited my hair during a quiet part of the afternoon, as wearing it up was giving me a headache, so I had plaits, a pinafore and a parasol ;-)

Six is the age when kids seem to be awful at guessing ages, I remember my nephew trying to guess my age when I was in my late twenties 'Fifteen? Sixty?' he offered.

The dress is like this one: http://www.metalicus.com/women/product/8841/you-gotta-cut-loose-vest-dress except that it flares out broadly at the hem, in a line more like Lilla My, who I am afraid you will have to Google if you have no mental image.

It does disturb me that I use my large animal husbandry techniques on myself, but it did help!
(no subject) - _inbetween_ on February 26th, 2010 01:30 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - blamebrampton on February 26th, 2010 01:35 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - _inbetween_ on February 26th, 2010 01:40 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - drgaellon on February 27th, 2010 10:22 pm (UTC) (Expand)
Admiral of Strange Shipsnoeon on February 26th, 2010 01:15 pm (UTC)
'That little girl is laughing at us!'

Oh dear god. That is hysterical. Funnier than the Johnny Weir mani-pedi with butch ESPN commentator footage femmequixotic has up.

I'm sorry to hear about the lactose intolerance. If it's any consolation, scones and any short pastry can be baked beautifully with coconut oil. But there's no real substitute for ice cream.

The fics were delish. I nearly fell out of my chair with the H/D meets JW madness.

Oh, the women were lovely. Just lovely. Perhaps it's not funny, but it was inspiring.

Edited at 2010-02-26 01:16 pm (UTC)
blamebramptonblamebrampton on February 26th, 2010 01:29 pm (UTC)
I have discovered Lacteeze, which are tablets of lactose enzymes! Chew one, and ta da! Now if only I could give my under-eye skin similar fake youth ;-)

Femme is going to kill me with her Johnny links, but I will die happy. And yes, we all had a good laugh, I feel certain I will have the main girl pull me aside at some point so she can suggest I dress like a grown up.

And yes, I don't want to be funny about any of them because they all had such wonderful stories as to how they came to be there and had such grace. There's that American aerial jumper who I am similarly serious about, despite the fact I am sure that he, like the women skaters, are probably all quite fun in real life.
(no subject) - noeon on February 26th, 2010 01:32 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - blamebrampton on February 26th, 2010 01:38 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - noeon on February 26th, 2010 01:55 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - blamebrampton on February 27th, 2010 11:33 am (UTC) (Expand)
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blamebramptonblamebrampton on February 26th, 2010 02:14 pm (UTC)
AHAHAHAHA! That kid is brilliant! And I love the fact that you are clearly the sort of adult who should be alerted to these things :-)

You know, for mojito sorbet, I may need to include you on my travel schedule. If only you were closer to Italy! I may need to break out my ice-cream maker and experiment ...
Bryoneybryoneybrynn on February 26th, 2010 02:18 pm (UTC)
Sweet wee Brammers. *pets your head* Life can be so hard on the vertically challenged. And yet, it would be rather fun to be mistaken for a six year old and taken into their group to play all afternoon.... *is wistful*
blamebramptonblamebrampton on February 26th, 2010 02:23 pm (UTC)
I think she thought I was about 12, but was herself pretending to be about nine (well, she is turning seven, after all ;-)

The really awful thing is that some of my 12 year old friends are taller than me :-(

The other little kids were just having a laugh at the whole thing, and rightly so! I don't think I could find the energy to be six again!
(Deleted comment)
blamebramptonblamebrampton on February 27th, 2010 11:24 am (UTC)
Mmmmmm, Turkish delight ... And pismanye, too, the crazy Turkish candy floss. Yum!

Pushdragon's whole backcatalogue is a place of delight. She has such a strong voice and incisive intelligence. You in particular will like a lot of her stuff, I feel sure. And yes, this one was quite brilliantly mad!

(Deleted comment)
blamebramptonblamebrampton on February 27th, 2010 11:26 am (UTC)
I have discovered the joy that is fake lactose-consuming enzymes. Pop one before indulging and you're covered!

And YES! they have no idea! I think they have little lists in their head of what makes you a kid or a grown-up, and that one or two clues are seized on and used to make the decisions despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary ;-)
(no subject) - drgaellon on February 27th, 2010 10:27 pm (UTC) (Expand)
brinianbrinian on February 26th, 2010 08:59 pm (UTC)
need to be some effort put into matching tight and skin colours Oh god, yes! But at least none of them wore white and blended into the ice like the dancers insist on doing :-) They were quite wonderful and I was thrilled to watch a ladies final where all the top competitors turned in a competitive performance.

43, huh? (note to self: must dress like a grown-up now and again...)
blamebramptonblamebrampton on February 27th, 2010 11:30 am (UTC)
I didn't mind some of the ice dancers' white, the ones who won the gold looked lovely, but I think that was because she was quite brunette and so it worked with her colouring. The Americans who came fourth were a bit less successful in their look. But yes, the women really turned on a fantastic show: all class and grace. Thoroughly enjoyable!

I meant to dress like a grown-up today, but the effect was more like a drag queen on the way to the gym (for some reason I thought red fishnets beneath capri-length running tights was a good idea.) On the upside, it's Mardi Gras in Sydney today, so drag queen was the look du jour!
Hueyphoenixacid on February 27th, 2010 06:27 am (UTC)
I have the same problem with <10 year olds. They think I'm either 40 or 14. *shakes head*

You sound so cute though - we need pics of you in braids and a pinafore!!!
blamebramptonblamebrampton on February 27th, 2010 11:30 am (UTC)
Oh lordy no, I hate having my photo taken! We'll just have to meet some time.

But yes, kids have no idea!
Jaeenchanted_jae on February 27th, 2010 07:35 am (UTC)
*howls with laughter* Give it a few more years, and you shall be grateful to be mistaken for age six. *dies laughing*
blamebramptonblamebrampton on February 27th, 2010 11:31 am (UTC)
It was hilarious at the same time as being ridiculous. Though I think the last time I would be grateful for being mistaken for six was when I was five. Twenty six, on the other hand ...
It's a Deensedeensey on February 27th, 2010 11:15 am (UTC)
COLIC??? Awful! <3 Feel better love!
blamebramptonblamebrampton on February 27th, 2010 11:22 am (UTC)
It was ridiculous, Deense! I know I am not fabulous with milk, but things had never been that bad before! Happily, the things that work for horses and babies also work for stupid ice-cream consuming people (I didn't even have that much!)

Obviously, this means I will be sticking to the sorbet end of the counter ;-) On the topic of which, I still haven't seen you since your birthday!
(no subject) - deensey on February 27th, 2010 11:25 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - blamebrampton on February 27th, 2010 11:29 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - deensey on February 27th, 2010 11:32 am (UTC) (Expand)
LadyDark1 ~ A  Harry and Draco Slash Addict.Periodldydark1 on February 27th, 2010 04:16 pm (UTC)
I think it is great the children thought you
were so young. Enjoy it.
drgaellon on February 27th, 2010 10:19 pm (UTC)
60% of Caucasians, 80% of blacks and nearly 100% of Asians are lactose intolerant by the age of 30.

"Don't be ridiculous" must've made your YEAR.

"...and I shall call you 'Daddy'" has me in hysterics; I can't wait to read it. (I see lots of references to Johnny's friend Paris, but absent a last name, I can't find a picture of him. Do you know his surname?)

My darling friend jerakeen is sending me a Johnny Weir/Stéphane Lambiel fic to beta - would you like a link when it goes live?
uminohikariuminohikari on February 27th, 2010 10:22 pm (UTC)
Well, it's good to be thought young!

How...do you give yourself colic... *stares*
drgaellon on February 27th, 2010 10:29 pm (UTC)
Too much dairy, apparently. Lactose intolerance in adults leads to symptoms indistinguishable from colic.