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24 January 2009 @ 10:49 pm
Fic … but not as we know it.  
Oh look, there's all sorts of excuses I could come up with, but the fact of the matter is that there is no excuse and I should know better than to listen to my brain when the temperature climbs over 35°C. Suffice to say that it's the ghastly antimpreg fic again. One scene to go after this, I fear this section suffers from middle-itis, but I am too tired to make it funnier and have to flee the country again in eight days, so no time!

Oh! And HAPPY BIRTHDAY FOR YESTERDAY joanwilder ! You are one of the deep thinkers of fandom writing!


Author: blamebrampton, but she is very ashamed
Title: A Single Wizard’s Guide to Fatherhood
Summary: Drinking can have very, very bad results and condoms aren't just for Muggles. These are just two of the vital life lessons learned by our heroes in the course of this fic.
Pairing: H/D unless they kill each other, which is highly likely.
Warnings: EWE, mpreg, but the mpreg that people who like mpreg may very well not like, gin and hot baths in part one, lack of paternal instincts all the way through, rampant ridiculouslness.
Rating: Horrid!
Word count: 4693 this part, probably 10-15K all up, 8 written so far.
Disclaimer: JKR not only has nothing to do with this, she would run screaming from it, as should all right thinking people. My lovely beta is looking at it, but it is too appalling for her to deal with save in tiny portions. I'll clean up the typos in a few days.

Part one


There were many witnesses to the final hours of Draco Malfoy’s pregnancy, from the helpful Ms Parkinson to the cheerfully chatty staff of Britain’s premier wizarding health establishment. The compiled account of that day begins at about ten in the morning, with a fearful shriek echoing through the Malfoy Town Residence.

As had become their habit in the past month, Harry Potter, Hermione Granger and Pansy Parkinson were sitting down to a cooked breakfast and discussing their strategy for dealing with the patient. The shriek was met with a brief pause, then three shrugs, and Pansy’s observation that he could wait a minute, possibly five.

‘He’s probably lost his novel in the bedclothes,’ Hermione observed.

‘He probably wants to tell me he hates me,’ Harry sighed.

‘He’s probably just accidentally stunned the house-el…ephant …’ Pansy said, smiling innocently at Hermione.

‘It’s all right, Pansy,’ Hermione said tiredly. ‘I know the house-elves are still here, there’s no way you or Harry have been doing the laundry. It’s sweet of you to try and hide them, though!’

‘Well I know it upsets you!’

Hermione and Pansy exchanged sisterly smiles, Harry looked worried.

Another shriek echoed through the house. Harry half-rose from his chair.

‘Leave him,’ Hermione advised. ‘If you go every time he cries now, then he’ll never learn to settle himself,’

‘POTTER!’ the shriek repeated. ‘NOW!!’

‘Then again, there’s no reason why we should all suffer if he only wants you,’ Pansy decided. ‘Off you go.’

Harry rushed off down the long hallway, followed a few minutes later by Pansy and Hermione, who had both succumbed to guilt. The two women stopped in the doorway to Draco’s room, and pinched each other to stop the giggles.

Harry was staggering under the flailing and complaining weight of Draco, who was leaning heavily on him as they walked up and down the room. Their progress was not helped by the fact that every few moments, Draco would lash out with a be-slippered foot and kick Harry.

‘The minute this is all over, Potter, the very second I can move freely again, I am going to strangle you with my bare hands, and I will claim post-partum depression and the Wizengamot will declare your death a tragic accident for which I cannot be held responsible.’

‘What’s OW! What’s post-partum depression?’ Harry asked, limping slightly.

‘I knew you didn’t read the books Pansy gave you! Muggle thing, very debilitating. I will be incapable of doing anything other than killing you for months.’

‘You’re not a Muggle.’

‘The Muggles are the ones who study it, many pregnant people have it. It’s highly likely that it’s an unspoken scourge of the wizarding world, in which case your death will not be in vain as it will bring this tragic suffering into the open.’

‘OW! Listen, do you want a hand or not, because I am not helping you walk about if all you do is complain and kick me.’

‘You have to. Tell him, Pans, I need to keep my exercise up, don’t I?’

‘He does,’ said Pansy, as seriously as possible from the safety of the doorway.

‘And my back hurts a lot today, this is the only thing that helps,’ Draco whined.

‘You’ve never learned the definition of the word stoic, have you?’ Harry asked with a sigh.

‘Stoic? That’s Greek for “Shut the fuck up you bastard, you got me into this mess” isn’t it?’

‘Not quite.’

‘It can’t be much longer,’ Hermione said, surveying Draco’s girth. ‘You’re due any day now.’

Draco shuddered. ‘The only thing worse than having this thing inside of me is the thought of it coming out!’

Have you given any thought as to how you’re going to raise the baby?’ Hermione asked.

‘We have things’ Draco waved airily.

And it was true, family, friends, and purveyors of quality goods for the discerning infant had filled two rooms of Draco’s house with everything from cots and carriers to fine clothes and safety seats for three broom models.

‘But who will raise it?’ Hermione asked.

‘I’ll worry about that later, I have enough on my mind at the moment!’ Draco groused.

‘I could do it,’ Harry offered, as he did every day.

‘If you think I am sending a child of my loins to live alone with you in that hovel, you can think again,’ Draco muttered darkly.

‘You could come and live with us!’

‘I could, except for the fact – and I have no idea how you can keep forgetting this – that I hate you, Potter.’

Harry rolled his eyes. ‘Well we seemed to get on well enough in the pub,’ he snapped.

‘That was the alcohol talking. And besides, all I remember of that night is a pounding headache, weeks of nausea and some mediocre sex!’

‘I was not mediocre! What about you? You just lay there!’

‘I knew it! I knew you kept going after I passed out!’

‘Oh for Merlin’s sake!’ Harry extricated himself from under Draco’s arm and stormed out of the room, with Hermione and Pansy nimbly skipping out of his way.

‘Get back here, Potter!’ Draco yelled.

‘Don’t upset yourself, darling,’ Pansy advised.

Draco ignored her. ‘Potter! Get back here! OH MY GOD!’

The genuine alarm in Draco’s voice must have reached Harry, because he turned and made his way back to the room, to find Hermione and Pansy staring in horror at Draco, who was standing in a puddle and blinking confusedly.

‘What’s happening?’ Draco whimpered.

‘The baby!’ Harry exclaimed.

‘What?’ said Hermione, stunned. ‘Oh, yes! Draco, your waters have broken, you’re in labour, we need to get you to St Mungo’s!’

‘I don’t want to go!’ Draco wailed.

Harry rushed to its side. ‘Here, lean on me. It’s all right, I’ll get you there safely. What’s the safest way, Hermione? Floo?’

‘No, Apparating, but you look a bit agitated, Harry, maybe you should grab Draco’s bag and I’ll take him?’

‘It’s my job!’ Harry insisted.

‘Potter!’ Pansy snapped. ‘Hand Malfoy over to Granger, she’s the most level-headed of us all. You grab his bag. Hermione, what should I bring?’

‘Er, the books, my handbag, your handbag, and some sandwiches, maybe something light to read if it goes on for a few hours?’

‘YOU CANNOT BRING READING MATERIAL TO MY BIRTHING ROOM,’ Draco said reasonably.

‘No, darling, of course not,’ Pansy replied, looking him straight in the eye while giving Hermione the thumbs-up signal at hip level. ‘Should I Owl Narcissa? Will you want your mother with you?’

Draco ceased the quiet moan he had maintained for the last few minutes and rolled his eyes at her. ‘Pansy, my love, consider what you’re saying.’

‘Forgive me darling, it’s the panic speaking.’

Hermione strode forward and disentangled Harry’s arms from around Draco. ‘I’ll take him straight to St Mungo’s. His bag’s over there. You come by Floo, Harry, Pansy will make sure you get there quickly.’

‘Take good …’

The end of Harry’s sentence was cut off as Hermione and Draco Disaparated. At St Mungo’s they were met by a phalanx of healers who bundled Draco into the birthing rooms Pansy and Hermione had booked.

It was far better equipped than the standard room, with a bed, sofa, comfy chairs scattered about and a deep birthing pool taking up one half of the room. Draco looked at this last in horror.

‘Don’t let him drown me, Granger!’ he exclaimed. ‘I wasn’t that demanding!’

‘Try not to be so ridiculous, Draco. We talked about this. It’s to make you comfortable. The water will help to support you.’

‘You won’t let Potter hold me under?’

‘Harry wouldn’t kill you,’ Hermione reassured him. ‘Probably.’

‘Ha!’ Draco allowed himself to be lowered onto one of the comfy chairs, and sat still while the leading Healer cast a few diagnostic spells over him. Pansy and Harry bustled into the room with assorted bags and books while the Healer worked.

At length, the old witch nodded in satisfaction. ‘Your birth passage is fully developed and is opening nicely. In an hour or two, your child will be with us Mr Malfoy.’

‘My child?’ said Draco. Realisation crept over his face. “Oh hell, I’m stuck with the bloody thing.’

‘Of course you are, darling,’ said Pansy, taking up post beside him. ‘What did you think was going to happen?’

Draco gave a wrenching groan, then, a moment later, replied, ‘To tell you the truth, aside from getting it out of me, I’ve not given it much thought at all.’

‘Well that much is painfully obvious,’ Harry muttered through gritted teeth.

‘I have been in a world of pain and confusion through this whole experience,’ Draco continued, ignoring him. ‘It’s not fair to expect me to do all the forward planning as well.’

Pansy patted his back sympathetically. ‘Of course not, darling. Clearly that was Potter’s job, and he’s let you down again.’

‘He is so hateful – oooh!’ Draco leaned forward in his chair, gripped by a spasm that twisted him. Harry left off scowling at him and moved quickly to his side.

‘Isn’t there anything you can do for him?’ he asked the Healer. ‘Magic the baby out? Do a caesarean like the Muggles do?’

She patted his shoulder reassuringly. ‘We can do many things if the need arises. But nature is always best. He is young and healthy and the baby will have its best start in the world if it comes naturally down the passage. It helps to clear out its lungs, and triggers its little body for the outside world as opposed to the one its been floating in.’

Draco straightened up, panting. ‘What about drugs? Pansy told me about all the lovely drugs you can have if you’re a Muggle. Surely our potions are vastly superior.’

‘Oh Mr Malfoy!’ the Healer scolded. ‘Surely you don’t mean to pollute your system as you bring new life into the world?’

‘Yes!’ he declared. ‘Yes I do! The baby is fine with it, says it was just planning on sleeping through the first few days anyway, no great rush, nothing to do. Some Patented Pain Potion would be just the ticket!’

‘You young people and your jests,’ she smiled. ‘I’ll leave you to change into your smock, feel free to go into the pool and float about, many mothers find it soothing.’

‘I’m not a mother!’

‘I’m afraid it’s habit,’ she smiled serenely. ‘And you are a de facto one. I’ll be back in a short while.’

The minute the door was closed, Draco threw a cushion at it. ‘I’ll show you mother facto, you old crone!’ he wailed. ‘I want my Mummy!’

There was a long pause before Pansy asked gently, ‘Do you, darling? Do you really and truly?’

‘I want her nearby,’ he admitted. ‘If not necessarily in the same room – I can’t see that ending well. I just … I just want to know she’s near.’

‘Of course you do, darling,’ said Pansy, brushing the hair back from his face.

‘I’ll go,’ offered Harry.

‘But who will I hit when it hurts?’ Draco grouched.

‘I’ll go,’ Hermione said. ‘Your parents should be at the manor, yes?’

Draco nodded.

‘I’ve been there before. Won’t be long.’

‘You’re a love,’ Pansy assured her. ‘I owe you shoes, and at least a year’s worth of niceness.’

‘Make it a week, no sense straining anything,’ Hermione replied with a wink.

Once she had left the room, Pansy bullied Draco into standing up so that she could remove his clothes. ‘They’re all damp and mucky, put on your nice hospital smock, and then you can go and have a little float in the pool if you like. I’ll come in with you and we can pretend we’re three.’

‘You stole my bath toys when I was three.’

‘Only because you kept trying to magic your erumpent sponge up my nose. You were a horrible toddler.’

‘Potter has to turn around,’ Draco pouted.

‘I’ve seen you naked,’ Harry reminded him.

‘You’ve seen me naked and perfect. Right now I have an extra orifice and a growth the size of your bad jumper collection. Turn around.’

‘Perfect my arse,’ Harry muttered, turning to face the door.

‘Nine out of ten, maximum,’ Pansy made good use of the line. ‘All right, Draco, arms up, there we go. Nice and modest, but with easy access.’

‘Don’t say access around Potter!’

Harry’s foot came close to stamping, but he didn’t turn around. ‘It’s not my fault you’re a cheap drunk! I can’t tell you how many times I’ve wished I’d passed out in the pub that night.’

‘Oh shut up, you’ve been following me around for years. He followed me into the loos at school, you know, Pans.’

‘Because I thought you were evil!’ Harry exclaimed.

‘And you wanted to walk on the wild side … ooooh!’ Draco sat down suddenly in his chair, contorted around the contraction that gripped him.

Pansy rushed to the door and called for the Healer. Harry forgot that he was in a strop and rushed back to Draco’s side, letting him crush his hand as he attempted to grip through the pain.

After the contraction passed, Draco sat, panting for a long moment. ‘I … I …’

‘Hate you, Potter,’ Harry finished for him.

A small smile lightened Draco’s face. ‘Yes. Thanks.’

‘Do you want to move to the pool?’

“I don’t know if I’m meant to.’

The Healer chose that moment to bustle in. ‘Into the water with you, Mr Malfoy!’ she declared. ‘Let the water do its work! There are soothing herbs in there that will help you.’

‘Oh, herbs! You should have said!’ Draco sneered.

Harry helped Draco to stand and then climbed into the lukewarm pool with him, pausing only to kick off his shoes and remove his watch. Pansy transfigured her robes into a becoming maillot and jumped in beside him, causing a small splash. The Healer grimaced, but Draco giggled.

‘If you take too long, I can make the pool longer and have a swim,’ Pansy chirped.

‘It won’t take long,’ Draco grimaced. ‘Will it?’ he asked, looking urgently at the Healer.

‘Probably not,’ she said. ‘Though I can only judge by the standard witch birth patterns. A wizard giving birth is quite new to me! Your birth passage seems fully dilated, though – it could be minutes, it could be a few hours.’

‘Hours?’ Draco’s voice quavered.

‘But if his birth passage is fully dilated …’ Harry pressed the Healer.

‘You leave my passage out of this!’ Draco snapped. ‘That’s how all this mess began, you and your obsession with my orifices!’

‘You were the one who put his hand on my arse!’

‘I was drunk!’

‘You’d only just walked into the pub!’

‘I was overwhelmed by the sheer Gryffindorian horror of it all, your arse seemed the safest option.’

‘Goose. OW!’ Harry looked down at his arm, Draco’s hands were gripped around it with white-knuckled pressure. He looked up, Draco’s face was twisted as a groan tried to make its way out.

‘It’s all right,’ Harry said. ‘Just breathe.’

Draco gasped out a stuttering breath. Then took a deep one. ‘Thank you, Potter, incredibly helpful. Should I keep my heart beating, too?’

‘Must you be so hateful? I’m trying to be nice.’

‘Where’s the fun in that?’ Draco panted.

The door to the room opened and Hermione came in. ‘Your parents are outside,’ she announced. ‘Your mother sends her love, and that she understands if you don’t want her to come in, but you need to understand they’re both frantic with worry.’

Draco rested his head against the pool’s edge. ‘I don’t want them to see me like this,’ he said quietly.

Pansy wrapped her arms around him, while Harry patted his back feebly.

Hermione nodded. ‘I though you might say that, so I had an idea.’

She took her wand from her pocket and waved it, while murmuring a short spell. A blue screen appeared in the corner of the room. White words began to scroll across it.

Lucius: This is a momentous event, Narcissa.

Narcissa: This is proof that I should have handled that particular talk with him, not left it to you! Years of pure blood supremacy and ‘you have a duty to the Dark Lord, Draco’ rants, not five minutes for ‘consider the need for protective spells when penetrating or being penetrated by others.’

Lucius: Oh, what’s that screen?


Hermione, who had her back to the screen, smiled at Draco. ‘They have one, too. Everything they say out there will come up here, and whatever is said in here will come up there.’

The three in the pool looked up at her, eyes wide. After a moment, Draco managed, ‘I have a feeling this is courting disaster, and yet I can’t look away. Thanks, Granger.’

‘You’re welcome,’ smiled Hermione, all innocence. ‘I’m going to pop outside and explain it to your parents.’

‘Don’t say a word,’ Draco told the others after she had left. ‘I want to keep this going for as long as possible.’

Even the Healer was glued to the screen as words began to roll up it again.

Hermione: Draco sends his love, but he doesn’t want you to see him in pain.

Lucius: He won’t be in pain, he is a Malfoy, we are above pain.

Narcissa: Forgive my husband, he’s an idiot who has never had to expel anything the size of a Kneazle from his loins.

Hermione: Yes, well, you may have noticed the screen, it will let you see whatever they’re saying in there so that you can keep track of what’s happening.

Narcissa: Does he have a screen in there?

Hermione: Yes, so you can send messages.

Narcissa: I love you darling, be strong!


‘I love you too, Mother,’ Draco replied.

Lucius: It’s a great day for wizarding kind, Draco, you should be proud to be a part of it.

‘Shut up, Father,’ Draco replied, forgetting his reserve as another contraction began to grip him.

Narcissa: What’s happening? Is he all right? Why does it say Aaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrghhhh? What does that mean? Why can’t I go in?

Hermione: It’s just a contraction, Mrs Malfoy. The Healers are doing everything they can. He’s been very brave.

Narcissa: Of course he has, he’s a brave young man!

Lucius: Ignore the pain, son!


Draco panted against Pansy’s shoulder, before dragging himself back to a standing position using Harry’s arm as a lever and shouting ‘Shut up, Father!’ at the screen.

Lucius: There’s no call for all caps.

‘Ignore him, Draco,’ Harry urged.

‘Please do not agitate the patient. Keep quiet out there,’ the Healer said sternly. ‘The birth is imminent.’

‘Oh Merlin, Draco, it’s really happening!’ Harry whispered.

‘Soon, darling, soon this horrible month will all be over and I’ll take you out dancing,’ Pansy promised.

‘Make it go away!’ Draco wailed. ‘I want to go home!’

Harry and Pansy exchanged looks. Pansy nodded. She plastered a smile onto her face. ‘There, there, won’t be long now. Soon it will all be a bad memory and there’ll be a little miniature you running around, who we can dress in adorable outfits and train in cosmetic potions so he or she can keep us looking young and beautiful.’

‘I’ll never be beautiful again, Pans,’ Draco moaned. ‘Potter has ruined me. I hate you, Potter!’ He punctuated the sentence with smacks in the appropriate direction. ‘You and your stupid face and your stupid pub and your stupid let’s start overs. You know what you are? ARRRRRGH!!!’

Harry did not complain as Draco’s fingers dug into his arm. ‘Stupid and you hate me?’ he asked gently as Draco panted through the aftermath.

‘Correct,’ Draco croaked. ‘And if you rub my back once more, I will bite you. I know what you’re up to.

‘Why can’t I have drugs?’ he wailed. ‘Muggles have drugs, and thingies that mean it’s all pleasant. I would like it to be all pleasant now! What’s the use of all your reading, Pansy, if I just feel like this?’

‘There, there, pet, it’s nearly over,’ Pansy said. ‘When you’re through I’ll rub some of that nice cream into your belly and you’ll be firm and beautiful again in no time.’

‘It’s not my belly I’m worried about!’ Draco wailed between panting breaths. ‘What about the … you know? Potter keeps looking at me as though he’s having ideas.’

Harry banged his head gently against the edge of the pool. ‘I keep looking at you as though you are a raving lunatic, it’s not the same thing,’

‘It’ll be fine, darling,’ Pansy assured him. ‘Ooh dear, that’s a nasty one.’

The Healer moved in and turned Draco around to face her. ‘Not much left to do, Mr Malfoy,’ she said with a beatific smile. ‘When the next contraction comes, you may push This baby is waiting to be born.’

‘I hate you, Potter!’ Draco reminded everyone for the hundredth time that hour.

The actual birth was relatively swift and straightforward. Three or four screams, one of which was fully justified, and the small red creature that had blighted his life since he had learned of its existence began its slide into a cruel world, out between Draco’s thighs.

‘What the hell is that?’ Draco squealed, looking down.

‘It’s the head, Mr Malfoy,’ said the Healer calmly. ‘Now be ready to push just as hard as you can.’

‘Can I see?’ Harry asked eagerly.

‘Merlin, no, Potter! Shut your eyes! My bits are off limits to you!’

‘It’s my baby, too!’ Harry protested, but his complaint was lost in a grand chorus of screams and swearing, punctuated only by the Healer’s demands that Draco push.

With an inordinate amount of splashing, and to the accompaniment of Pansy’s disgusted yet fascinated Oohs, the rest of the baby left its safe harbour – such as it had been. The Healer scooped it up into the air and helped it to take a first, jagged breath, followed by a lusty bellow.

Draco looked at the small bloody bundle in the Healer’s arms and frowned. ‘That’s it? That squashy purple thing?’

‘It’s a boy!’ declared the Healer, passing the child to Draco.

‘So it is,’ Draco agreed, passing the child to Pansy.

‘Would you like to cut the cord?’ the Healer asked Harry.

‘I would,’ Harry replied with a shaky voice, and Draco rolled his eyes at the sight of him.

‘Can I hold him?’ Harry asked.

Pansy looked at Draco, who shrugged and said, ‘Sure.’

Harry gazed hungrily at the baby’s face, then turned it around so that it faced Draco. ‘He has your hair,’ he said.

‘He’s practically bald. He looks more like you,’ Draco replied. And it was true, the blinking slits of eyes that were starting to open had a definite green tone and the already stubborn mouth betrayed an abundance of Potter genes.

‘I want to call him James,’ said Harry.

‘Scorpius,’ replied Draco.

‘Sirius,’ replied Harry.

‘Scorpius,’ replied Draco.

‘Albus,’ replied Harry.

‘Over your dead body,’ replied Draco.

‘Severus,’ replied Harry.

‘Ooh! Nice try! But no. What about Regulus?’ ventured Draco with a calculating look.

‘Regulus,’ agreed Harry.

‘Malfoy,’ added Draco.

‘Potter,’ corrected Harry.

‘Black,’ offered Draco.

Harry stopped, surprised.

‘Well, my Mother is a Black, and so was your Godfather. It seems a good compromise.’

‘It is,’ Harry agreed, still surprised. ‘Though Regulus Black is a bit grim when you think about it.’

‘Because James Potter would conjure up no ghosts for you at all.’

‘Fair enough. Let’s give him a happy middle name then.’

‘No one dead,’ Draco agreed. After a moment’s thought, he smiled broadly. ‘Neville,’ he announced.

‘You’re kidding.’

‘I’m not, you know. Being my son, it’s ninety-nine per cent certain that he will grow up to be a brilliant Unspeakable or ground-breaking research wizard, where a name like Regulus will fit in perfectly. But on the off chance he takes after you, it’s good to have a back-up in case he becomes a gardener. Besides, I like Longbottom.’

‘So do I,’ said Harry, blinking. ‘Should we fight over schooling now or later?’

‘Oh later,’ said Draco. ‘I need to have an argument about fried placenta with Pans, and I expect the Healer will want me to have a good lie down after all that.’

‘At least a week,’ the Healer agreed.

‘So you take it home and let me know if it does anything interesting!’ Draco said chirpily, looking forward to his first decent night’s sleep in a month.

‘I … I can’t take him home,’ Harry stammered.

‘Course you can! You’ve read all the books. You can even go to my house since you may not have yours set up yet and Granger and Lovegood have been all over mine with the nursery bits and childproofing.’

‘But, but he’s your baby!’ Harry protested.

‘Perfectly healthy from the looks of him. What do you think, Healer?’

‘He’ll need a check-up, but after that it should be fine to take him home. Would you like a wet nurse engaged?’

‘Already sorted,’ Pansy reassured.

‘But,’ Harry tried again. ‘Surely you want him here, he’s your baby.’

Draco leaned back, so the water supported all his now-reduced weight. ‘No, I’m fine. You go off and bond. Let me know how it goes.’

‘But what if I drop him? I think you’d be better.’

‘You are famous for having two of the safest and nimblest hands in England,’ Draco encouraged. ‘And I am far too fatigued to carry anything at the moment. You’ll be fine, Granger will go with you, won’t you, Granger?’ He directed this last at the screen, which began to scroll words again.

Hermione: Of course I will, Harry, and Ron and Molly want to help, too. Though Draco should probably be kept away from Molly for another ten years or so.

Narcissa: Draco darling, can we see you? Can we see the baby?


‘Take the baby out to them, Potter, make yourself useful.’

Harry handed young Regulus back to the Healer, climbed out of the pool, dried and dressed and reclaimed the infant, who had been swaddled neatly by then.

‘Mind you support his head,’ the Healer reminded him.

‘I will.’

Walking more cautiously than he had ever before in his life, he went out to where Hermione was waiting with the senior Malfoys.

‘Oh Harry …’ Hermione breathed.

Narcissa’s face was pleading, but she kept her voice even as she asked ‘May I?’

‘Of course.’ Harry carefully passed his son over to her.

It was then that he spotted the screen, which was far larger than the one inside the birthing room, and so still contained several paragraphs of the actual birth transcript. He had missed a lot of it in the drama of the moment, but was unsurprised to read: Aaaaaaaaaarrrrgh! AAAAAAAARRRRRGH! I hate you, Potter! I wish you were dead! AAAAAAARRRRGH! You are dead to me after this! I am returning to the fold! Women are lovely! Pansy will have me, won’t you Pans?

Pansy: No darling, there’s a good boy, keep breathing.


And so on at great length. Harry shook his head. ‘What have I done?’ he asked Hermione.

‘It’s not that bad,’ she hugged him.

Lucius peered over Narcissa’s shoulder at his grandson. ‘I will teach you such things, the world will be your oyster!’

‘Oh Merlin,’ Harry gasped.

‘What is it, Harry?’

He held to his old friend as though she was all that kept him vertical. ‘I’ve just realised. Aside from me, Regulus’s only living relatives are all Malfoys or Dursleys.’

‘Good god,’ whispered Hermione, horrified. She squared her shoulders, and a look of great determination came to her face. ‘I’ll go to the library. There must be a spell that will ensure you stay alive for the next twenty years, even if we need to lock you inside to manage it!’

‘What have I done?’

The words on the board began to scrawl again.

Draco: I CAN hear you, Potter.

There was a pause, then in small letters, another message appeared.

Draco: Do you think my Father would be able to follow us if we all bolted to Romania?
 
 
 
Shivshiv5468 on January 24th, 2009 01:13 pm (UTC)
Gigglesnort.

I love Pansy, and I love Hermione, and we know I love Lucius and Draco is pitch perfect.
blamebramptonblamebrampton on January 25th, 2009 03:05 am (UTC)
I have a terrible Pansy fetish, and am finding it hard to resist sending her and Hermione off to Paris for a weekend of R&R, where it would be up to them if they went out and picked up blonds (taking a brief moment to agree that Lucius, despite being evil and disreputable, is quite fanciable), re-enacted Sappho's top ten, or, and I suspect this may be likely, did each other's hair and shoe-shopped like bastards, with Pansy providing more taste and Hermione being better at spotting good build quality ;-)

Cheers ears!
(no subject) - shiv5468 on January 25th, 2009 10:47 am (UTC) (Expand)
down the hills and round the bendsnorton_gale on January 24th, 2009 01:29 pm (UTC)
AHHH! Hilarious. I need to use that line ‘Stoic? That’s Greek for “Shut the fuck up you bastard, you got me into this mess” isn’t it?’ when G informs me I'm complaining "too much." So many of us are Draco when it comes to pain and discomfort. :D

I also loved the line about fried placenta. I once blundered onto a page of "recipes" complete with photos online which could make even non-pregnant people lose their breakfast.

The talk screens were a really interesting device, too. I like the way you combine Wizarding and Muggle technology.
blamebramptonblamebrampton on January 25th, 2009 03:08 am (UTC)
I gift the line to you, along with the sundry pinching, punching and poking, which I believe to be traditional ;-)

And YES! URGH! What is it that people think they should eat a part of themselves? I blame the hippies.
(no subject) - acromantular on January 25th, 2009 10:01 pm (UTC) (Expand)
Alexis: autographjapanimecrazed on January 24th, 2009 01:36 pm (UTC)
lol

Pansy and Hermione are brilliant. I loved the name discussion.
blamebramptonblamebrampton on January 25th, 2009 03:12 am (UTC)
Cheers dear! I have a terrible feeling that Draco will end up saying 'I let you choose the name, so you have to let me ...' at some point.
salviagsalviag on January 24th, 2009 02:12 pm (UTC)
Love Draco's constant stream of "I hate you, Potter." Love Hermione and Pansy as a sort of evil Dream Team. But the very best line of all belongs to Lucius: "There's no call for all caps." *snorts* V. funny!
blamebramptonblamebrampton on January 25th, 2009 03:26 am (UTC)
Evil dream team ... perfect! So glad you're enjoying it.
Vaysh Swiftstorm: H/D_blushvaysh on January 24th, 2009 03:55 pm (UTC)
*smirk*

Perfect birthing!Draco and perfect overwhelmed dad!Harry. I love how Draco is shoving the kid onto Harry the second he's got rid of it. This is going to be interesting. The name negotiations were awesome. Regulus Neville Black is a name which will be remembered ;-). And I have to second Amber on Draco's rather free but so suitable translation of "stoic".
blamebramptonblamebrampton on January 25th, 2009 04:26 am (UTC)
Silly Harry, he should have insisted that the baby needed to stay with Draco for its own good. He'll never get an evening off now, unless Hermione or Molly take pity on him.

I like to think that Neville sees this as a sign that Draco has always secretly wanted to be his friend, and has now taken to visiting him very regularly in an attempt to build a friendship. Draco may well be hiding in the wardrobe.
romaine24: scooby laughromaine24 on January 24th, 2009 05:24 pm (UTC)
One would think you have had been through the process. :) I loved the screens. "No need for capslocks" *dies* And Harry finishing Draco's sentence of "I hate you, Potter!" *dies again*

Hermione and Pansy were hilarious.

Thanks for the Saturday morning giggles.
blamebramptonblamebrampton on January 25th, 2009 04:31 am (UTC)
Oh good lord, no! Though my friends who have are prone to oversharing. Glad it gave you a laugh! My dignity has not been abandoned for nothing ...
SlytherinBrandBabyOilsbbo on January 24th, 2009 06:48 pm (UTC)
‘I will teach you such things, the world will be your oyster!’ has got to be in my top ten HP lines, ever. This was super funny (and just about how I picture Draco). Thanks for sharing with all of us! I loved it. :)
blamebramptonblamebrampton on January 25th, 2009 04:45 am (UTC)
Thanks, my baby-oil-touched friend. The shame of writing such dodginess is lessened by the fact it makes you giggle!
(no subject) - sbbo on January 26th, 2009 03:21 am (UTC) (Expand)
Azure Jane Lunatic: #lj_sazurelunatic on January 24th, 2009 06:50 pm (UTC)
Randomly, the little </lj> seem to be appearing for every lj username used in the same post with an lj-cut. How odd. I wonder if that's in Jira yet. </ljgeek>
Azure Jane Lunatic: LJHS computerazurelunatic on January 24th, 2009 07:02 pm (UTC)
Oh, good, looks like *something* that causes that is in there. The duplicated cause was switching back and forth between the RTE and the HTML editor rapidly.
(no subject) - blamebrampton on January 25th, 2009 04:46 am (UTC) (Expand)
beatnikspinster on January 24th, 2009 06:56 pm (UTC)
Hahahaha!!! Nice! I love this story so much.

‘Stoic? That’s Greek for “Shut the fuck up you bastard, you got me into this mess” isn’t it?’

Textbook definition. Poor Draco.
blamebramptonblamebrampton on January 25th, 2009 04:47 am (UTC)
Hee, I feel it should be! Draco is going to bounce back from his Very Bad Month quite quickly, I fear that Harry may be deserving of our pity before this story is over.
Heather: Pink Coffee Cupfaynia on January 24th, 2009 07:13 pm (UTC)
Lucius and Draco's back and forth completely stole this chapter for me. >.< Don't say it's not funny, because it really was. ^_^
blamebramptonblamebrampton on January 25th, 2009 04:49 am (UTC)
I just had this feeling it could be funnier, but ran out of energy to spot where. Happily, the madness is already coming for the final bit ;-)
Azure Jane Lunaticazurelunatic on January 24th, 2009 07:20 pm (UTC)
Heeeeeee. :D
blamebramptonblamebrampton on January 25th, 2009 04:49 am (UTC)
You might well laugh at my shame :-P
(no subject) - azurelunatic on January 25th, 2009 05:05 am (UTC) (Expand)
jamie2109: Harry/Draco - Enough Said...jamie2109 on January 24th, 2009 08:18 pm (UTC)
Brilliant form start to finish, my dear. Laughed out loud in several places, especially the stoic line, hahahha. Loved it immensely and can't wait for the next part.
blamebramptonblamebrampton on January 25th, 2009 07:20 am (UTC)
I'll try and have it done before I head to NZ next week, otherwise it will probably be written while I am there ;-) And you are not helping encouraging my idiocy!
Seshetasesheta_66 on January 24th, 2009 09:01 pm (UTC)
Hee! I'm so glad you posted this part. I adore all the players in this. Too, too funny. ♥

And yay for Regulus Neville Black!
blamebramptonblamebrampton on January 27th, 2009 01:28 pm (UTC)
Glad you like the name. I am looking askance at my brain for coming up with this, because there is no excuse, but at least you're getting a giggle from it ;-)
sundappledsundappled on January 24th, 2009 09:11 pm (UTC)
LOL. Pure hilarity.
blamebramptonblamebrampton on January 27th, 2009 01:30 pm (UTC)
Thank you! (I am still ashamed! I am meant to be writing Serious Art Business!)
Meredyth: Draco's Not Impressedmeredyth_13 on January 24th, 2009 09:12 pm (UTC)
OMG! I just realised that the reason I never had a baby was because I was always going to have THIS birth scene! *dies laughing*

I'm trying to write this and that damned Lucius icon keeps winking and sneering at me, it's most distracting.

But - for all that you may never hold your head high in public again, I really love this. Draco's pedantic, drama-queen-but-also-any-in-labour-woman moaning and wailing is just perfect, as are Narcissa and Lucius (still chortling softly here). Pans and Hermione's reluctant but respectful fledgling friendship-under-fire ... but best of all - Harry! Poor helpless, hopeless, indignant and trying to do the right thing Harry.

Gods, I needed a pick-me-up like this, this morning.

You rock, dear lady! You rock on a scale of Uluru!
blamebramptonblamebrampton on January 27th, 2009 01:33 pm (UTC)
HEE! Me too!

Is that Shiv's icon? It is an insinuating beastie. I am glad that my public shame has brought you a few giggles. And poor old Harry, he should have fled when he had a chance!