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12 May 2014 @ 12:01 am
Eurovision 2014: The final!  
By dint of spending the day outdoors and watching only broadcast news on the channel that hosts Eurovision here and so knows all about spoilers, I DO NOT KNOW WHO WON!

Unfortunately this also means that I have failed to see treacle_tartlet's messages asking whether or not we have our standard Eurodate for live chatting, so I am hoping she appears at some point. Sorry, Treacs! I was at Bunnings buying replacement laundry lighting. OH the wild and exciting life I lead!

Explosive laughter moment at the ninja flag bearers wending their way to the stadium: no matter how rogue and wild their mode of transport, not a single one crossed into the cycle lanes. I love you, Denmark. Ooh, Treacs is coming. Hurrah! Right, we descend into text speak for the traditional Brammers and Treacs do Eurovision by GChat post.

Brammers: FLAG NINJAS!!
Treacs: I'm watching via the Eurovision website because NO TELLY
Brammers: You will be able to escape the asinine commentators.
Treacs: YES
Brammers: Sam Pang is no Terry Wogan, and although I like Julia Zamiro more, she is no Graham Norton.
Treacs: I haven't missed them this year, that's for sure
NB: I'm still gutted that Latvia didn't make the finals. Cake and unicorns! HOW COULD THEY LOSE?
Brammers: Too much winking, not enough singing
Treacs: Can't wait to see the host's frock tonight - the last two nights she's had one made of Kleenex and one covered in lichen...
Brammers: Yes, those growths in semi 2 were oddly organic
I sort of liked it, at the same time as wondering WTF?
Treacs: I'm meant to be cleaning and/or cooking dinner. This seems more important. We can eat later...
Brammers: Do you have children waiting on you? Throw some sandwiches together, we can skip a song or two
Conchita already emotional, bless. Hold it together, love! You have to beat Finn Direction!
Treacs: I'm so far behind you!
Brammers: It's just the intros, everyone popping out to say hi at the start
Treacs: Oh, a champagne ballgown! Very tasteful.
Brammers: Oooh, yes that's lovely! We're about at the same point I think
Treacs: No, kids all in bed, but I'm making squid ink linguine with seared scallops for the adults.
Brammers: Surely she can do the work and you can shout instructions ;-)
It's how the lad will be sorting tonight's dinner here.
Treacs: That is a lot of people!
Brammers: Admittedly the instrictions will be FFS, go to the chipper before they close!
Treacs: Hah!
Brammers: I like her butterfly clip
The guy from Borgen looks drunk again
Treacs: I'm sad that Ireland sent proper musicians and not Jedward. :(
Brammers: BUT THEIR CLOTHES!
Yeah, Jedward were good. So ridiculously cheery.
OK, UKRAINE!
Treacs: Yes, I'm only a few seconds behind you, huzah!
Brammers: I like her hair and I like the Manster wheel, but I'm not convinced by this song. You?
Treacs: Manster wheel is GENIUS, song is blah
Brammers: I want a Manster wheel for the garden. We could power the drip irrigation with it
Treacs: We could power the whole house with one!
Her hair is pretty epic...
Brammers: I do genuinely like her frock. I would totally wear that if I was 28
And you could have small ones to wear out the kids
Maybe I could get a tiny one to wear out the kitten?
Treacs: WIND MACHINE!
Brammers: And she is ON THE MANSTER WHEEL!
Treacs: Do you know, I've noticed that large-scale light displays are replacing pyrotechnics. It makes me a bit sad.
Brammers: There are at least three drinks in this song
Yeah, we do need more pyro .
Bring back Lordi.
Treacs: Pitifully little this year :(
Brammers: OK, that was nice, but meh.
BELARUS are back with their Cheesecake tune. Another one you could safely cook through.
Though they are as spiffingly well turned out as ever, and I do appreciate that.
Treacs: I thought this was delightfully cheesecakey. Just what it says on the tin!
Brammers: Too Ricky Martin for me
Treacs: They're just so chuffed to be there, aren't they?
Brammers: Yeah, and that is actually nice
I would like to hang out with this group, but their song makes me want to suffer from an unexpected blackout
And that is a serious case of White Man Dancing
TRAPEZE TIME! YAY!
Treacs; HURRAY!
What, no, I've got the Icelandic Wiggles, what are you watching?
Brammers; Azerbaijan, Start a Fire, glorious red dress, serious song, but who gives a rats, because we are all looking at the girl hanging from the ceiling
No, you're one ahead of me, Wiggles are fourth
Treacs: Oh, WTF. I'll just pause and wait for you to catch up
Brammers: These two women are seriously beautiful
Treacs: I did like the trapeze girl! Although I was not excited about the song.
Brammers: Yeah, the song is meh. Frocks are nice
Treacs: Some great frocks this year
Brammers: All the red ones were great
Treacs: Total and tragic lack of costume reveals, though
Brammers: I AGREE!
I had high hopes for latex tutu girl, but not a sausage
Treacs: ;___;
Brammers: I want trapeze woman's abs
Should probably not have had chocolate pudding for brunch …
BRB, planking
Brammers
Carl from Norway is clearly wishing that Sam Pang would be kidnapped by aliens right now.
Not the actual song yet, still interviewing.
Carl now planning Sam Pang's abduction and posibly murder
Sanna Nielsen is a foot taller than Julia Zamiro
Treacs: Hah!
Brammers: And now, the intro, Iceland is on its way!
OMG THEY HAVE WIGGLES ANORAKS!
Treacs: \o/
Brammers:
Big drumming intro and all the lalalalalas you could want
Oh god, the beards!
Treacs: LALALALALAL!
The purple one looks as though he's fallen asleep standing up. WAKE UP, ICELANDIC JEFF!
Brammers: This is what childcare in Newtown must look like
HA!
Treacs: Pure, unadulterated Eurovision JOY.
Brammers: Icelandic Jeff looks like the lead guitarist of ZZ Topp
Treacs: He really does
Brammers: It's the choreography that really makes this song
Treacs: I KNOW
Brammers: I think it's great that after being rooted by the UK during the GFC they still come out with a lovely hopeful tune like this rather than 'Screw You Pommie Bankers'
Norway next? Ah, my favourite gentle Viking
Treacs: This one was very earnest, wasn't he?
Earnest and full of manpain...
I like his tattoos
And the piercings
Brammers: I find him strangely attractive
Treacs: And the beard
Brammers: His is the only beard I feel is sincere
Well, him and Icelandic Jeff, who was clearly born with a beard.
He looks as though he might cry
Treacs: There were a lot of hipster beards this year, weren't there?
Brammers: Yes, I did not approve
It was like going into most of my local bike shops.
Treacs: I like this one, though. Oh, soulful Viking...
Brammers: I found myself shouting 'If you're going to ride a BMX, you can do it off the pavement young man!' today, because I am apparently 100% middle aged
Yes, I like him, too
And I like the arrangement. It was tasteful. What is it doing here?
Romania! Paula and OVI time!
Treacs: I know. What's with all the countries that sent competent musicians singing decent songs?
I mean, really?
Brammers: I KNOW!
The Finns were the only ones who can't play, and since they're seven, that's OK!
Ah, that mad circular piano
Treacs: OTOH, we have a round piano and a man with a loo brush on his head...
Brammers: This is the most Bruno Mars moment of the night
Ooh, you're sadly right
What is going on with her arm movements?
Treacs: She's EMOTING
Probably?
Brammers: I blame that chap from Mandela's funeral
Treacs: He's entirely too impressed with his own one-handed piano-playing
Brammers: He isn't really playing that piano, I think
Treacs: I don't imagine so, no
Brammers: I am sadly disappointed
Treacs: It is definitely NOT a miracle
And is her frock from Target?
(I bought a black velvet babydoll mini dress from Target last week, because apparently it is 1997 again?)
Ah, the Armenian jeweler?
Brammers: It's not splendid, but it's not awful. She is prettier than the frock.
Yes, Mr MP3
Amernia time.
He is as pretty as Paula
I am not convinced by this song.
It seems very Power Ballad 101 to me
Treacs: I am unconvinced by the turtleneck and stealth snakeskin vest...
Brammers: I do like his guyliner, though
Treacs: It is nicely done
Brammers: And another Stargate motif in the lighting
Clearly a lot of sci fi fans around
Treacs: Yus
Bring back the good old-fashioned pyro, I say
Brammers: It must be cold in that stadium, so many men wearing coats and scarves this year.
Doesn’t this song have pyro?
Treacs: THERE WE GO
Brammers: Ah, excellent. I thought so.
You're about 15 seconds ahead of me.
He's actually a very good performer, but Conchita has better stage presence. Both of them have shit songs masquerading as great songs through the cynical use of hooks, mood changes and strings.
Montenegro! And the nicest man in the world!
Treacs: And the ice dancer sans ice! GENIUS.
Brammers: I do like a haunting flute opening and skater.
I wish Sergej and I were related. He looks like the best Uncle Serg ever.
Treacs: There were some great backing dancer moments this year. The ice skater and the guy with the parachute were fab.
Brammers: Though he is probably 20 years younger than me …
I did not understand the parachute. I kept expecting him to be jerked skywards
Treacs: Wasn't the song called skydiver or something?
Brammers: Something like that. I like the backing vocals in this song a lot.
Treacs: Oh, fuck me, POLAND MADE THE FINALS! \o/
Brammers: The Boob vote is a strong vote
CONCHITA LOVES JESSICA MAUBOY! My Conchita love has grown.
Interviews are back on.
The Julia/Conchita love is pretty strong, too, bless.
POLAND!
BOOBS!
Treacs: \o/ Are they performing yet?
Brammers: In fairness, it is all about how goodlooking Slavic girls are …
Just about to come out.
3, 2, 1
Now!
And a kitten has just jumped on my boobs
This song speaks cat!
Treacs: So many drinks in this one. Traditional dress! Props! Huzzah!
Brammers: And there is a reveal … it's just a reveal of undies
Treacs: Hahah!
Brammers: Butter boobs!
Treacs: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!
Brammers: I do like the dancing boots, though
Would totally wear the dancers' outfits
Treacs: Yup
Brammers: So much boobage in this song …
Treacs: no, no, thank YOU, busty Polish lasses...
Brammers: :-)
GREECE!
Treacs: Oh god, the Greek hiphop 'artists'...
Brammers: Well, they hop
I can't believe they keep their shirts on. Surely that is unGreek
Treacs: It must be cold!
Brammers: I feel certain I saw those outfits being refused entry at a Berlin club in 1990
Treacs: Times are tough in Greece. We must be kind
Brammers: It would explain the outfits
Yes, they can't afford be decent in case everyone else is crap
And this is more dignified than Dunstan the Turkey, so they have not sunk as far as Ireland
Treacs: There is that
Brammers: Random jumping man!
Treacs: And we're all on the trampoline! Wheeee!
Brammers: There was no need for that trampolinist to be wearing a shirt, you know
I wish I was on a trampoline
Treacs: I know. It's a sad state of affairs.
Brammers: CONCHITA!
Treacs: AUSTRIA!
FAB intro
Brammers: Oh the lighting … SO SHIRLEY!
Lovely tones and breath control. Oh, rise, darling one, rise away!
Treacs: It is VERY Bond-theme, isn't it? I'm waiting for naked silhouettes...
But she's so glorious. <3
Brammers: I am expecting to hear this at the Imperial [the pub from Priscilla Queen of the Desert, which is up the road from my house] from Wednesday onwards.
She is! She's a genuine star.
The song actually isn’t that good, but the performance is so polished and assured you miss that fact.
And the lighting is also excellent.
Somewhere in Wales, Shirley Bassey is weeping with pride.
PYRO!
Treacs: \o/
Brammers: Germany!
I love these girls!
Treacs: They're making sweets! I love them too!
Also, the singer has my hair!
Brammers: They're gorgeous. The song is a bit confectionary-light, but it contains piano accordion, so I automatically like it!
Treacs: I adore her floral biker jacket and tutu combo, too
I want to recreate it to wear t Dark Mofo next month...
Brammers: Yeah, I love the look of these three, and they are very good. Just the song is a bit I Miss 1996, but then, so has much of this year's Contest.
She should have said no to the operatic bits, though.
Quirky Book of Records bit from the Danish production team … OMG! It really IS a 1996 homage!
Again, poorly conceived opera there.
Treacs: Yers...
Brammers: SANNA TIME!
Sweden always do good Eurovision. I vaguely remember ABBA winning, though I think I was in Mozambique at the time.
This one is a disturbingly decent song, I don't know how to cope.
Treacs: It's a world gone topsy-turvy.
Oh, her hair is amazing too.
Brammers: Oh, I wasn’t in Mozambique, I was in India on a hippie thing with robed people. Memory spark!
Treacs: Hah!
Brammers: Her hair is spectacular, and her dress is lovely. She sings splendidly. What is she doing here?
Treacs: I don't know. I'm so confused.
Brammers: What is going on with this relentless artistic integrity, Sweden?
Treacs: Even the lighting is quite understated and classy.
Brammers: It's like watching Alec Guiness acting opposite Mark Hamill …
Oh FFS France.
I love you, but you are clearly just taking the piss with this.
Treacs: Wait, are you ahead of me?
Brammers: Isn't that Weird Al Yankovic on the left?
Possibly, France just began. Should I pause?
Treacs: Pause! How on earth did that happen?
Brammers: Basically, France has sent Ace Ventura Pet Detective as their lead, and Weird Al in hotpants. Let me know when you get to the first chorus and I will hit play.
Who knows?
What have you got?
Treacs: Right, they're on stage
Oh god
WHAT IS THIS
NO
Wait, is that Otto the school bus driver from the Simpsons on guitar?
Brammers: Yep, that's the one
Treacs: WHAT IS GOING ON
Brammers: Drugs are cheap in France
Treacs: It's...it's a song about moustaches...
WHUT
Brammers: With a very well preserved Brigitte Nielsen providing backing dancing
Treacs: Well, at least this lot belong at Euurovision. It's the only safe place for them
Brammers: Mardi Gras?
I feel this will also become an Imperial fave.
Treacs: Russia, seeking to distract the rest of the world by sending hot blonde twins...
Brammers: And the Russian twins are doing their intro bit. Yeah, you're not fooling anyone, Russia, your government sux.
I mean, mine does, too, but at least we haven't outlawed gays and invaded NZ.
Treacs: I like their hair too
Brammers: I am relieved this song is wholly bleah, because they aren't bad performers, but I feel there will be a lot of nil points for Russia. The hair is good.
Treacs: Oh, except I hadn't noticed that it was joined
Brammers: You were napping through the semi ;-)
Treacs: Must have been!
Brammers: I miss my hip-length ponytail, but it is a right pain in the bum on public transport. 'Excuse me, you're on my hair' just gets weird after a bit
Treacs: I don't miss my hair!
Brammers: Well, yours was heavy!
Treacs: I had to show my friend Kris a pic of it the other day because she's only known me for a few year and wouldn't believe me when I said it used to reach my bum!
Brammers: Mine is made of baby floss!
You had serious hair
Treacs: More hot girls in biker jackets!
Brammers: HEY! I think I have been on a rooftop near the one the Italian girl's photo was shot on!
Treacs: OMG
Brammers: Italy! Ooh, random Caesar chic!
Treacs: THESE OUTFITS
Brammers: I really want a Laurel wreath now!
Treacs: THIS IS AMAZING AND I LOVE IT
Brammers: I think they stole the Greek costume designer from the year before last
Treacs: I want one too! Surely I could fashion one from something...
Brammers: I'll get cracking with the alfoil and spray paint
Treacs: \o/
Brammers: That is some serious bedazzling.
Treacs: This is proper Eurovision!
Brammers: The song is, too!
Treacs: :D
My faith is moderately restored!
Brammers: Well done, Italia! That's more like it! CRAWLING ON THE STAGE!
Treacs: IS THAT A FUCKING KEY-TAR?
Brammers: DRINK!
Treacs: IT IS!
Brammers: This is perfection
I love it. And flashing the front rows at the end. She's the best.
Treacs: Oh Italia, BLESS YOU
Brammers: Slovenia and the beautiful and talented Tinkara who does not have a hope in hell against crazy like that.
Treacs: Nope.
Brammers: I want to deflate her shoulder pads and make that into a nice frock.
Maybe also the hip pads
Treacs: I do like that she weilds that flute like a weapon when she's not playing it
Brammers: She is miming braining the frock designer
It is so nearly a fabulous frock, but they needed to stop building it sooner
The spangling is terrif
Treacs: Perhaps it's a nod to Maleficent?
Brammers: You could be right!
Everyone who fails to give them points should be wary of apples!
Whereas I love the shoulder pads on the backing dancer outfits.
FINLAND! Yksi Direction!
Treacs: I'm going to Spotlight tomorrow to buy laurel wreath supplies
Brammers: I have been going out with Mr B for longer than some of these people have been alive.
I support your lifestyle decisions.
Treacs: It's anti-Lordi!
Brammers: Bwahahaha! So true!
Treacs: Such silver. Many sparkles. Wow.
Brammers: White shoes. Really?
That poor dog would be running around barking aimlessly at this, and I agree.
Treacs: He's even less convincing on the keyboard than the other bloke was on the orbital piano
Brammers: I am a better musician than them. Which is just sad.
Treacs: BLIND THEM WITH LIGHTS. THEY'LL NEVER NOTICE
Brammers: But I am happy to see they really liked FUN's last album, I did, too.
That poor boy has ripped out his vocal chords at the end there.
Spain time!
Treacs; Oh, they're got YARN!
Brammers: YARNBOMBING SPANIARDS!
Treacs: \o/
Brammers: I like them already.
That's a lot of hair gel
I like the lighting effects here
More good singing. I'm confused.
Treacs: They have done a good job with the lighting
Brammers: Oh, no, she skidded on that first high note a bit, nailed the second.
Treacs: I like her frock too
WHAT IS GOING ON
Brammers: Her dress is tasteful and flattering. Is that allowed?
Treacs: Nice frocks and decent singers all over the place WTF
Brammers: It's unEuropean!
I hope there's an ad break soon, food has arrived.
Treacs: It's like an AU...
but does the rain fall mainly on the plain?
SORRY I AM SORRY
>_>
<______<
Brammers:I am judging you.
I kind of loved that.
Treacs: I am judging me too
Brammers: HIPSTERS!
Treacs: MORE HIPSTERS
Brammers: I don't mind this song.
Come on, Switzerland, Wow us!
Good Tambourine action
Treacs: PYRO AND WHISTLING!
Brammers: And shagable band members
Even if they have beards
Treacs: I'd tap that banjo player...
Brammers: And one of them has truly OTT moustaches
I hear you.
Treacs: And I've a weakness for a double bass...
Brammers: This man sings, fiddles and drums. That is serious multitasking
Treacs: And he whistles!
Brammers: BREAK! I'm going to scoff a hamburger
Treacs: Have paused!
Brammers: Back! They are setting up for Hungary and Running.
I am wishing I hadn't eaten that so quickly, but the salady parts were good!
Treacs: I'm looking at floral biker jackets on ebay...
Brammers: Proper Aussie burger, dripping with lettuce, onion and beetroot and made by big bearded Turks.
Of course you are :-)
Treacs
:Hungary are on stage
Brammers: Yep
He's made a real rookie error here, bringing a meaningful and well-produced song to the ESC.
Treacs: Oh, this guy. You can't do Eurovision in a black tee shirt and combat boots. Just not cricket.
Brammers: Happily, the interpretive dance has upped the bonkers quotient enough that it's OK.
Treacs: Ugh, my feed has frozen
Brammers: He's still crying, she's still running. C'mon, Treacs's wifi!
We're up to Malta
Treacs: All good!
Another double bass!
Brammers: Malta and their Mumford and Sons Tribute band.
Treacs: Indeed
Brammers: I genuinely like this one, too.
Which means it is doomed.
Treacs: Again with the competent musicians and decent songs! It's like a paralell universe!
Brammers: World's oldest hipster on the double bass
I want to know what instrument the lead singer is playing.
Treacs: Me too!
Brammers: And then I want to buy one and learn to play it
Treacs: I was about to ask you
Brammers: Once I get past mandolin and lute, I am pretty useless.
It seems to have only four strings, as do many of my fave instruments
I played a mandolin the other week, I think I need one.
Treacs: you should have one!
Why am I not musical? It's the greatest tragedy of my life.
Brammers: I will accompany you when you need it, and provide backing vocals.
Treacs: Denmark! Have sent… the Spin Doctors?
Brammers: DENMARK!
Treacs: More whistling! It's the year of whistling and the double bass!
Brammers
I think that that singer I like but can never remember who wears a tux all the time
Treacs: FUCKING BLIND THE AUDIENCE. YES
Brammers: Anything to distract them from the horror of this choreography
Treacs: It is not good
Bow ties are only cool if you tie them!
MY EYES!
@___@
Brammers: I am hoping he snogs one of the boys at the end to up the gay for the night.
There hasn't been half enough homoerotica for my taste
Nup.
The Netherlands, with YET MORE HIPSTERS!
Treacs: Woe woe, and thrice woe
Brammers: At least they are C&W Hipsters
Treacs: Hipsters with tulips and giant black hats! Because of course!
Brammers: And he has no beard
Treacs: The Common Linnets is a genius band name
Almost as good as Malcolm Lincoln
Brammers: And her frock is divine
Treacs: It is!
Brammers: is that an earpiece or does she have 18 piercings in a row?
Treacs: I like her hair and amazing 60s eyelashes, too
Brammers: Yes!
I think the story of the song is told in their eyes: She looks only at him, he is busy flirting with the camera. Manwhore.
Treacs: This is also worryingly classy and understated. It's like my whole life has been a lie.
Saved slightly by his astonishing trousers
Brammers: Maybe they kidnapped a group of Glastonbury performers?
His trousers cannot be worn through airports.
SAN MARINO!
Treacs: Hurray!
Brammers: Another singer who can sing. It's just not right. Who's left to go after this? Must be the UK.
Treacs: I was banking on a mad costume reveal for this one, but alas...
Brammers: nope, she chose to wear that as an actual dress.
It's another Bond theme one
Treacs: Is she feuding with her pianist? Why is he all the way out there?
Brammers: He criticised the frock
Treacs: Ah, of course...
Brammers: Were are the backing singers?
Treacs: At least there's a bit of wind machine action
Brammers: It's a metaphor for Russian expansionism under Putin and Europe's unwillingness to put Georgian and Ukranian interests ahead of cheap gas prices.
True!
And spirit fingers!
Treacs: That is the only logical explanation
Brammers: THE UK! MOLLY!
Treacs: Woo!
Molly and buses!
Brammers: I like her a lot.
Treacs: I like her jacket too. I obviously need a biker jacket for winter
EPIC shoulder pad action on the backing singers
Brammers: Obviously her cat shed on her outfit the way mine all shed on my work clothes.
Treacs: She borrowed that frock from Tina Turner
Brammers: It's another good song with a tight, bold performance. What the fuck is going on?
Treacs: We should complain to management
This is not what we signed up for
Oh, they're FEATHERED shoulder pads!
This is mavellous!
Brammers: If we get nil points this year, I will be blaming David Cameron and UKIP.
It really is splendid
The production has a spot of Graham Norton show about it …
Treacs: It's managing to be somehow splendid and sparkly-bonkers in the costume dept. I rather love it.
Brammers: I keep expecting him to say 'OH! oh oh oh oh oh!!' and I imagine he is in the British telecast
Treacs: No pyro, though. I am disappoint.
Brammers: It was the only thing missing. She could have flung the furry collar into the flames
Treacs: It was a missed opportunity
Brammers: next year, if we continue with the non-nonagenarian theme
Treacs: They're filling Graham Norton's booth with confetti
Are they trying to smother him to death, a la that Roman feast with al the rose petals?
Brammers: Oh, how I would love to have Graham Norton rather than Sam Pang. Could we get Julia to give Sam food poisoning for next year? She loves the ESC and it shows, he is there for the gig.
Treacs: I did not miss his input this year, I must say
Brammers: If she could take Adam Richard or Kylie, I think it would be perfection.
Treacs: Oh, that soulful Viking
but yes
Most options would be better than Sam
Brammers: I think Pingrid should track down the viking and see if he is single.
Treacs: Oh! I'm going to a burlesque performance on Friday! Am I brave/foolish enough to go to a class next week?
SHE SHOULD DO THAT
Brammers: YES!
I can again provide ukulele/backing vocal help
And she totally should!
No one should shag the French lads
Treacs: not ever
nope
re: french lads
but the burlesque classes are actually taught quite close to my house
Brammers: And no one can legally shag the Finnish lads for at least three years
CLEARLY IT IS A SIGN
Treacs: Hurray!
Brammers: I hope Spain does well in the voting
Treacs: Me too!
Brammers: have they really gone $20 mlilion over budget with this show? That's all in the lighting rig!
OH! A MUSICAL INTERLUDE FROM THE HOSTS!
They are truly awful, it's terrific
Treacs: BATMAN PRESERVE US
Brammers: Borgen man will never be able to convince me that Danish politics is serious again
Treacs: The Ode to Joy, with harmonicas and FUCKING LADDERS
WHAT
Brammers: I am not there yet and await it with joyful anticipation.
They are still singing about 12 and China
They have clearly seen the Lonely Planet/Billy Ray Cyrus song about Jack Sparrow
Treacs: Oh, NOW I've got the hosts musical interlude
I preferred the ladder bit...
Brammers: Dammit, it looks like SBS has cut the ladders. I have been trying to learn the harmonica, it's harder than the ukulele
Treacs: I should be mopping but I can't tear my self away...
Brammers: I understand
The girl host is chatting with the Malta chap about his love for English breakfast
Treacs: Right, I'm going to mop the floors. We've a real estate inspection tomorrow
BRB!
Brammers: GO, DARLING! Miss you already!

Right, missing my learned friend, you're back to me. After some japery in the green room, it's last year's winner again in a very natty forest frock, surrounded by people wearing trees in their hair. Naturally. Oh for fuck's sake, Julia Zamiro, you CANNOT SING, so stop it! Graham Norton doesn't mute the talent for atonal warbling! I love you mostly, but you are really stretching the friendship. And now a new song from Emile, which would have done very well in this year's contest and the dancers are all leaping into the moat around the stage, which I don't think I have mentioned before now. Yes, of course there is a moat. Parts of it seem quite deep. I think I see where their $20 million went. And now all the competitors are marched back onto the stage behind their national flags, which is very nice, but will be awkward for the losers.

I like the wall of voting spokespeople!
Azerbaijan send a beautiful woman to blather on at length before getting to their votes. 8 to Hungary, 10 to Ukraine and 12 to Russia. No surprises there. Politically clever.
Greece and another beautiful woman. 8 points for the Netherlands, 10 points to Russia (REALLY?!) and 12 to Austria. (YAY!)
Poland and yet another beautiful woman. 8 points to Germany, 10 to Switzerland, 12 to the Netherlands.
The UK stil have nil points.
Albania gives us a little man who looks like Moby. 8 points to Hungary, 10 points to Italy, 12 to Spain. YAY!
San Marino and a nice looking young chap. 8 points to Iceland! 10 points to Sweden, and 12 to Azerbaijan.
Denmark and a glamorous woman give 8 points to Austria, 10 to The Netherlands and 12 to Sweden.
The UK has amassed 12 points in there somewhere, YAY!
Montenegro and a beautiful woman who is corsetted too tightly to breathe, 8 points to Slovenia, 10 to Armenia, 12 to Hungary.
France the only country still on 0, and deservedly so.
Romania and another beautiful woman, 8 to Austria, 10 to Hungary and 12 to Sweden.
Hungary, Sweden, Austria in the lead so far.
Russia and a lovely woman who is being booed by the crowd, but the people gave Austria 5 points, take that Putin. 8 points to Armenia, 10 to Azerbaijan and 12 to Belarus.
France still 0.
The Netherlands have sent a male model. 8 points to Sweden, 10 to Norway and 12 to Austria!
Malta and a lovely girl, 8 to Romania, 10 to Austria and 12 to Italy YAY!
France and a biker chick give a long speech in French to make up for all the English and 8 points to The Netherlands, 10 to Austria and 12 to Armenia.
Austria is in the lead!
The UK send a cricketer to give 8 points to The Netherlands, 10 to Malta (YES!)) and 12 to Austria!
France still 0
Latvia send a hockey player to give 8 points to Sweden, 10 to Armenia and 12 to The Netherlands.
Armenia send a lovely woman to give 8 points to Belarus, 10 to Russia and 12 to Montenegro!
Iceland send a very serious young man to give 8 points to Denmark, 10 to Austria and 12 to The Netherlands!
FYR Macedonia send a man in terrible glasses to give 8 points to Armenia, 10 to Hungary and 12 to Montenegro! Who have no chance, but yay.
Sweden have sent a trio to sing and give 8 points to Denmark, 10 to the Netherlands and 12 to Austria and Conchita is in tears.
Belarus send the most beautiful girl so far to give oh fuck a song, er 8 points to Ukraine, 10 to Armenia and 12 to Russia.
Some fool has given France 1 point. I think it was Sweden and I think they were drunk.
Germany send a lovely woman to hand over 8 points to Denmark, 10 to Poland and 12 to The Netherlands.
Austria still well ahead, but we are only a bit over halfway through the voting. HOW CAN THIS TAKE SO LONG???
Israel have sent a sensible old man to give 8 points to Romania, 10 to Sweden and 12 to Austria. Bless.
Portugal and a beautiful girl give 8 points to Sweden, 10 to The Netherlands and 12 to Austria. And they have been the two most professional pointgivers so far.
Norway send an alien in a spacesuit to give 8 points to Sweden, 10 to Austria and 12 to The Netherlands.
Conchita well ahead, Hipsters doing surprisingly well.
Estonia sends a man in his pyjamas to say 8 points for Ukraine, 10 to Sweden and 12 to The Netherlands.
Hungary and a graceful woman give 8 to Sweden, 10 to Austria and 12 to The Netherlands.
France still on 1. Which is more than they deserve.
Moldova and a gorgeous woman give 8 points to Russia, 10 to Ukraine, and 12 to Romania, who are drunk.
Ireland send Ronan Keating's stuntman to give 8 points to the UK, THANKS!, 10 to The Netherlands and 12 to Austria.
Finland send a man in a baseball cap to rap. Why????? 8 points to The Netherlands, 10 to Sweden and 12 to Austria.
Lithuania send an evil mastermind to give 8 points to Norway, 10 to Austria and 12 to The Netherlands.
Austria send a gorgeous woman with a beard and gold breastplate. 8 points to Romania, 10 to The Netherlands and 12 to Armenia!
Spain and a lovely woman give 8 points to Romania, 10 points to Sweden and 12 to Austria.
France has 2.
Belgium send the most sensible looking woman of the night to give 8 points to The Netherlands, 10 to Sweden and 12 to Austria.
Italy sends the most relaxed man ever to give 8 to Poland for their boobs, 10 to Ukraine and 12 to Austria.
Ukraine's lovely lass gives 8 to Austria, 10 to Armenia and 12 to Sweden!
AUSTRIA HAS WON AND THEY ARE ABANDONING THE COUNT! CONCHITA IS WEEPING.
False alarm, they're back to the vote.
Switzerland send a man with an orange cravat to give 8 points to Spain, 10 to The Netherlands and 12 to Austria.
Georgia send two lovely people to give 8 to Russia, 10 to Austria and 12 to Albania.
And finally, Slovenia send a cute girl to give 8 to Sweden, 10 to The Netherlands and 12 to Austria! Who win by 52 votes! And France still has 2. HURRAH!

Treacle pops back in to express her dismay that France got 2 points, we assume it was fat finger error in the voting.

Lovely short speech on the need for diversity and respect from Conchita and the hosts clearly rehearsed saying goodnight in unison this time, and now a repeat of the song and we are done for another year! Goodbye Eurovision! I can never quit you!
 
 
( 17 comments — Leave a comment )
Vaysh Swiftstorm: Vicomte Renevaysh on May 11th, 2014 02:25 pm (UTC)


The Macedonian glasses are a reference to Tijana, who got voted out in the semi-finals. :)

blamebramptonblamebrampton on May 11th, 2014 02:33 pm (UTC)
I am very relieved to learn they weren't a sign that Europe has embraced the End of Fashion! (as you can see, still trying to get over Finland's white shoes)
Vaysh Swiftstormvaysh on May 11th, 2014 02:40 pm (UTC)
*cough* The ESC event I attended was hosted by two reknown Berlin dragqueens, and they had LOADS to say about the various fashion statements made by the contestants. It was a whole lot of fun. :)
blamebramptonblamebrampton on May 11th, 2014 02:41 pm (UTC)
Recap! The public needs it!
Vaysh Swiftstorm: Vicomte Renevaysh on May 11th, 2014 03:22 pm (UTC)
*lol* Not for the world. Bitchy dragqueens are very bitchy. And they do not care about political correctness. Not at all. One of my favourite comments was for the Ukrainian entry: "Oh, a man in a hamster wheel, it's a symbol for compulsory heterosexuality."
Emmaemmacmf on May 11th, 2014 02:34 pm (UTC)
CONCHIIIIIIIIIIITA.

:D

My local indie cinema hosted a Eurovision viewing party last night, with themed snacks (cornettos for Italy, Toblerone for Switzerland, Carlsberg for Denmark). Almmost 100% certain that I'm going to go next year, because it looked like so much fun.
blamebramptonblamebrampton on May 11th, 2014 02:40 pm (UTC)
That sounds TERRIFIC! We have a lot of private parties here, but the ones my friends hold was on last night and after Mr B's birthday on Friday night, I was knackered, so it was all sofa watching for me :-)
connorblondconnorblond on May 11th, 2014 02:52 pm (UTC)
Conchita Wurst won. She was good, and it was a definite political statement with 12 points from a lot of countries, even Spain, IReland, Italy, Estonia and so on. Even Russia gave 7 points.
Personally I liked the Netherlands, they'll probably end up in the charts. :)
Loyaulte Me Lieshocolate on May 11th, 2014 02:54 pm (UTC)
That was excellent fun, what with the Russians giving Austria points and all the beards and actual Johnny Logan.

And Conchita's industrial strength mascara.

My son is obsessed and wants to go to Austria next year. Apparently they've already said Vienna, but how can you hold a song contest anywhere but Salzburg?
connorblondconnorblond on May 11th, 2014 04:13 pm (UTC)
Aw, but Vienna is brilliant!
ashindkashindk on May 11th, 2014 04:42 pm (UTC)
Well, everybody knows that crossing into the bike lane is THE most dangerous thing you can do in Copenhagen. You can swim in the harbour or walk down the street alone at night and be perfectly safe. But you do.not.cross.the.bike.lane! Ever!
connorblondconnorblond on May 11th, 2014 05:13 pm (UTC)
And one sang! I don't remember the country, but one announcer started to sing.
Nennenenne on May 11th, 2014 06:36 pm (UTC)
I didn't watch, I sort of forgot the whole thing, but at some point we have to meet for a Eurovision-party. I think it would be a blast to watch this with a whole bunch of people.
Azz (bolt of blue) Обещанного три года ждут.azurelunatic on May 11th, 2014 08:29 pm (UTC)
I didn't see the instrument (there was a drink spill) but apparently it was a dulcimer. Not the hammered kind, the handheld kind.
pioniepionie on May 11th, 2014 08:37 pm (UTC)
This year I stayed at home with Mr Bah Humbug. NEVER again will I miss Eurovision! Thanks for the recap!
karinmollberg (Mollberg is a C.M. Bellman quote)karinmollberg on May 12th, 2014 08:19 am (UTC)
This and the pics from the Conchita Home-Coming @ Spiegel online made my morning. I keep linking to you as I hope you know ever since you once said that´s okay as your post is open. You have covered this unforgettable event in the best thinkable way, TV is doing you wrong in not hiring you. Also, I´d love to come with to Priscilla´s but my tram ticket won´t allow it...
merlyn_gabrielmerlyn_gabriel on May 12th, 2014 09:41 am (UTC)
we always watch this with scorecards in hand, a bottle of good wine and facebook chat on so we have a bunch of us who chatter all the way through it. I think the best song came second and the right song won but mostly this year it was kinda ho-hum. What I found a little sad was the booing.
( 17 comments — Leave a comment )