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14 August 2011 @ 11:52 pm
Bonnie Tyler, fanartist before her time ...  
I feel certain that someone – probably Huey or Pie – must have noticed this before. But I was watching music videos in the Turkish pizza shop last night (Shhh! I am too sick to cook!) and I had an epiphany.

The Total Eclipse of the Heart music video is a perfect piece of bad Harry Potter fanfiction.

raitala  and I were discussing it last night and decided that you could easily have a drinking game where you downed one after each bad fanfic trope, if you wanted to be very messy after five minutes. I present to you the evidence: 




0.03 Spooky old school at night = Hogwarts!
0.10 Room full of crystal thingies and flowing scarfy bits = Trelawney tribute!
0.15 Dove animagus!
0.23 Tapestries!
0.28 Full moon = obvious werewolf reference!
0.37 Portentous moment as student arrives at school. Is it Harry?
0.44 No! He has demon glowing eyes! Maybe it's Tom Riddle?
0.50 Exploding doors with billowing curtains, probably from that American young person shop the Twilight kids like.
0.54 Breeze blows into a room, tousling the hair and blowing open the shirts of hot young men. Admit it, you lot would totally have that as a spell if you'd thought of it first.
1.04 Creepy kid holding dove in chair with wings. I feel certain I have seen that as fanart
1.10 Swim team in Speedos, and with someone throwing buckets of water all over them mere seconds later, for the ladies.
1.14 Bonnie in the Great Hall WITH NINJAS. (This school has the best sports!)
1.23 The Bullingdon Club. Natch.
1.34 Fencers! Nothing says British like fencers!
1.37 Gymnasts without many clothes! I'm not complaining.
1.41 I think they're gymnasts in fencing masks ... who knows?
1.50 Epic backlit entrance!
1.55 Inexplicable dancing toughs in leather jackets on a staircase. Doubtless there to commit random acts of violence on our heroes!
2.12 Surprise shirtless gridiron team, because this was written by an American.
2.53 Running across the courtyard with wind blowing dramatically!
2.58 Gratuitous upside-down shirtless gymnast. Again, no complaints.
3.06 Naked wet man. Suspect this is an NC17 fic.
3.08 Bullingdon Club tear up the place, because the Britpicker is good.
3.23 Pretty Fencer boy removes his mask and a stream of gold trails in its wake. Metaphortastic!
3.26 Demon choir appears.
3.32 One of them goes zooming off on invisible broomstick. Or actually is Tom Riddle.
3.45 Gang of wildly under-dressed modern dancers invade school and proceed to cavort wildly.
4.31 RANDOM VEELA! I shit you not.
4.40 Proper School establishing shots.
4.50 Kindly Head Master presents Bonnie to the assembled schoolchildren. NB This was the moment at which raitala  said 'DUDE! Is she supposed to be a TEACHER??!!'  Because it's one thing to have a schoolboy kink if you're just an average thirtysomething, but there are lines.
4.53 Sweet-faced Harryish boy arrives late.
4.58 Kindly Head Master pats sweet boy's head in a total 'I will support you and encourage you and mark you for death' fashion.
5.05 Inappropriate physical contact between Bonnie and hot boy.
5.10 Hot boy now has demon eyes. I think that I have decoded this and it is all a Het Young!McGonagall/Tom Riddle Doomed Romance.
5.18 Hot boy no less scary with non-demon eyes.
5.25 Bonnie left alone with her perm and grey tights at end, while boys run off together in not-so subtle homoerotic subtext.

In the quiet periods above, just assume hordes of cavorting modern dancers or demon choirboys, it's mostly the case.
 
 
 
Nennenenne on August 14th, 2011 02:08 pm (UTC)
I have laughed and laughed at your Bonnie-interpretation.*G* The random Veela was priceless! I will never again listen to this song the same way. Thank you.
blamebramptonblamebrampton on August 14th, 2011 02:33 pm (UTC)
I thought it was just me having a fever, but rai confirmed the badfanfic vibe ;-)
subtlefiresubtlefire on August 14th, 2011 02:11 pm (UTC)
Ha, that was a random Veela!

Also, have you seen this?
blamebramptonblamebrampton on August 14th, 2011 02:33 pm (UTC)
I KNOW! I would be wondering what the hell was going on, but since nothing else made sense ...

PS And alas, that's geoblocked here, but if it's the literal version, yes, and it's gold!

Edited at 2011-08-14 02:41 pm (UTC)
Geneva2010geneva2010 on August 14th, 2011 10:31 pm (UTC)
o.m.g. hilarious watching both of those videos, the original and the literal. Thank you!
subtlefiresubtlefire on August 16th, 2011 02:15 am (UTC)
:D
מִרְיָם רִבְקָהangelofcaffeine on August 14th, 2011 02:20 pm (UTC)
This video is all kinds of disturbing, but your commentary made it worth watching. XD
blamebramptonblamebrampton on August 14th, 2011 02:41 pm (UTC)
It reminds me of the story, probably apocryphal, I heard about The Magic Roundabout, which was always deeply trippy. Allegedly, the BBC bought it from the French company that made it, then came in and said to the young interns, 'Right, you lads all went to good schools, you speak French, don't you?'

'Oh yes, yes, of course!' came the response.

'Fab. Translate this lot for us, would you?'

They meant to get onto it and do a good job, but it was the 60s and drugs were cheap and before they knew it there was a day to their deadline and they were all a bit off their tits and they suddenly realised their French wasn't quite what it could be, so they just made it all up.

And yet, The Magic Roundabout STILL makes more sense than that video!
מִרְיָם רִבְקָהangelofcaffeine on August 14th, 2011 02:43 pm (UTC)
Hahaha, I hope your version of events is true.

I honestly think this is an excellent song (the song itself, not her voice... I might prefer the Glee version, TBH), but how did this video even happen? Did she write down random things like NINJAS and SCHOOLBOYS and then pick them out of a hat?
Leochileochi on August 14th, 2011 02:26 pm (UTC)
Ahahahaha - this was the best entertainment one could ever wish for. :D
blamebramptonblamebrampton on August 14th, 2011 02:42 pm (UTC)
The video itself is so wacky that I could watch it for hours :-)
Vaysh Swiftstormvaysh on August 14th, 2011 02:29 pm (UTC)
I don't know how it figures into my fandom experience that this video, too, is geo-blocked for Germany. *fuck you, GEMA*

Anyway, a vid with random Veelas cannot be all bad. And an epic backlit entrance is a must. ;)
blamebramptonblamebrampton on August 14th, 2011 02:32 pm (UTC)
Bugger! See if you can find it mirrored somewhere, it's the 1983 official video, you'll love it!
Vaysh Swiftstormvaysh on August 14th, 2011 02:33 pm (UTC)
I have a feeling I've seen it before, and yes, loved it. :) Will look for it, though.
Hueyphoenixacid on August 14th, 2011 02:35 pm (UTC)
How about this?
Cheryl Dysondysonrules on August 14th, 2011 02:33 pm (UTC)
I'm curious why all the students seemed to be in class in the middle of the night while she was running amok in her bathrobe...

Maybe she was rushing to stop the food fight and got distracted by the demon choir. She obviously has a thing for the Veela boy.

McGonagall/Tom Riddle FTW!!! LOLOLOL
Hueyphoenixacid on August 14th, 2011 02:36 pm (UTC)
Lol have you seen the literal version before?
Vaysh Swiftstormvaysh on August 14th, 2011 02:44 pm (UTC)
LMAO - I don't know what's funnier, the touchy-feely Veela or the stunned cat framing that vid. :)
Hueyphoenixacid on August 14th, 2011 02:47 pm (UTC)
LOL! IKR?

That vid never fails to make me lol!
Cheryl Dysondysonrules on August 14th, 2011 03:51 pm (UTC)
HAHAHAHAHAHA I love that so much. XD
blamebramptonblamebrampton on August 14th, 2011 03:00 pm (UTC)
Clearly, she spent so long on her hair that she had no time to put her frock on :-)

And look, I can see her falling for his youthful hotness, but one glimpse of his innate evil and she'd have had those stone soldiers onto him like THAT!
Cheryl Dysondysonrules on August 14th, 2011 03:52 pm (UTC)
*snort*

*spray 600 times before bed*

Yes, she is very sadfaced at the end by the need to destroy him. *sigh*
Hueyphoenixacid on August 14th, 2011 02:38 pm (UTC)
OMG you're absolutely right! I did say that the setting look like a haunted Hogwarts before, but I can't believe I didn't realise how fanfic-cy it really is! xD
Potteresque Irepotteresque_ire on August 14th, 2011 02:46 pm (UTC)
It needs a fic on its own.... I'll just make Bonnie a Femme!Draco. :D
Hueyphoenixacid on August 14th, 2011 02:48 pm (UTC)
But the hair is horrible! I'm sure Draco has better taste! xD
Potteresque Irepotteresque_ire on August 14th, 2011 03:16 pm (UTC)
If you're in a setting like that...feathered hair may have special magical properties that get you through. At least the kohl eyeliner is there!!!
Hueyphoenixacid on August 14th, 2011 03:22 pm (UTC)
Oh, the white feathered peacock look will certainly get you through the tunnel of Veela boys in one piece. xD

There's khol eyeliner? MUST WATCH AGAIN.
blamebramptonblamebrampton on August 14th, 2011 03:01 pm (UTC)
AH-HA! I knew that you'd talked about the literal version, but could not find where :-( It's mad, isn't it?
Hueyphoenixacid on August 14th, 2011 03:03 pm (UTC)
It really is! Most pop vids from the 80s are just lolarious. :)

Apparently the video is inspired by "the film Future World, the follow-up to the Yul Brunner futuristic thriller Westworld. It was filmed at Holloway Asylum, which was built by a doctor out of the proceeds of a drug he'd invented to help his patients."

That explains it. xD
blamebramptonblamebrampton on August 14th, 2011 03:06 pm (UTC)
Oh, it's all clear to me now!
Potteresque Irepotteresque_ire on August 14th, 2011 02:45 pm (UTC)
*Giggles* Of course, this video!!!! This is the best type of the funnies for me—funny without knowing it at ALL (I thought the first Twilight movie was AWESOME for the same reason). And the literal version is Gold!!!!!! :DDDDD

(I know of this song long before this video and kinda like it too. But this video... I can't listen to the song without laughing anymore.)

blamebramptonblamebrampton on August 14th, 2011 03:11 pm (UTC)
I think I will get Twilight from the video shop if this plague does not lift this week, I need something that will require no brain cells at all. And yes, the literal version was so very happy making!

And yeah, I have to say, I have fond memories of the song, but that video is still bonkers, no matter how I look at it!
Potteresque Irepotteresque_ire on August 14th, 2011 03:17 pm (UTC)
I'm thinking about getting Twilight 2/3 too to have a fun afternoon :DDDDD
Seshetasesheta_66 on August 14th, 2011 02:48 pm (UTC)
Ahahahaha! Brilliant!
blamebramptonblamebrampton on August 14th, 2011 03:12 pm (UTC)
It's such a mad video!
Pureblood Princessraitala on August 14th, 2011 03:28 pm (UTC)
My vote is still for Prof Vector/dark!harry :D
blamebramptonblamebrampton on August 14th, 2011 03:37 pm (UTC)
THAT was it! I knew you'd had a genius idea along those lines, but forgot what it was. I started to look, but then I coughed instead :-( I have been punching Mr B every time I have a coughing fit, but he went to bed early tonight, so now I can't. Woe!
rickey_arickey_a on August 14th, 2011 04:34 pm (UTC)
man, there must be something extra special in the booze down under, i'll have what you're having!!!!

btw, i remember loving that song/ video in highschool, suc perfect teen girlie angst
spirillen: Tim Minchinspirillen on August 14th, 2011 09:12 pm (UTC)
Hehehe, that is a fantastic summary.

The video is completely bonkers even without being potterised. Though I am sure I recall being absolutely fascinated by it when it originally came out. I would like to claim extreme youth for that, thank you very much.
auntpurl: holy shit I love youauntpurl on August 14th, 2011 10:18 pm (UTC)
3.08 Bullingdon Club tear up the place, because the Britpicker is good.

In the immortal words of Blood, Sweat, and Tears, you make so very happy.
This Girlthisgirl_is on August 14th, 2011 10:38 pm (UTC)
"Bullingdon Club tear up the place, because the Britpicker is good." Not good enough to prevent the random gridiron team. Added after the Brit-picker sent it back, perhaps?
lilian_cho: Penguin!Chiyo-chan from Azumanga Daiohlilian_cho on August 15th, 2011 12:06 am (UTC)
it is all a Het Young!McGonagall/Tom Riddle Doomed Romance.

Dude I'm so behind this.

Because it's one thing to have a schoolboy kink if you're just an average thirtysomething, but there are lines.

Since I haven't hit thirty yet (YET), is it therefore more acceptable for me to perv on fictional Japanese schoolboys, British schoolboys and American college boys? =D
down the hills and round the bendsnorton_gale on August 15th, 2011 03:45 am (UTC)
HA! Now I'm torn between wanting you to write that fic and to hear you singing Total Eclipse of the Heart!
shu_shu_sleepsshu_shu_sleeps on August 15th, 2011 10:07 am (UTC)
I was thoroughly amused to see her interviewed about the making of that clip and hearing how horrified she was by the imagery and story - especially since she had nephews that age and the whole idea of some kind of schoolboy kink was very very difficult to deal with as a result! She never did another clip with that director.... but yes it is definitely HP fic gone mad :)

Edited at 2011-08-15 10:08 am (UTC)